Monthly Archive for March, 2009

Page 5 of 6

Fire

Published on March 7, 2009 in Depression, Grief Sadness Loss and Relationships. 1 Comment

I talked to MeMe today. She’s in poor spirits. She said people keep telling her that at least no one was hurt in the fire. I said, “That’s not true.” She agreed. Yes, they all got out safely but security and stability were burned. The husband wasn’t there when it happened. He’s dealing with that. MeMe is trying to manage not only losing her home but she’s trying to deal with the fact that her 17 year old daughter no longer lives with them. Where they’re staying there wasn’t enough room so she went to stay with a friend. Usually when a child moves from home the parents have a difficult time with it but they have a bit of time to come to grips with it. In one day everything MeMe knew changed so the people that w/ good intentions told her no one got hurt were wrong. This is her daughter’s last year in high school. She’s a good kid. I like her a lot.

I think I’m having my own issues with her loss because of all the times I had to pick up and leave everything behind. For a bit I was stunned by it but after awhile I kept a bag I could grab on my way out. I’d look around me to prepare for a quick escape and ask myself, “What can I live without and what do I need for my own sanity?” Even after leaving my mother’s house for good I kept a “go bag” by the door. I think this is one of the reasons I don’t get attached to material items. Regardless of what anyone says, material items do mean something for happiness. Our belongings validate our existence. When all of that is left behind or goes up in smoke we’re left ….well, we’re just left.

There’s a feeling of powerlessness when it comes to losing everything or leaving it all behind. No one likes to feel powerless. It starts to wear on your nerves when you hear time and again, at least you guys are all okay. Well, they’re not okay. They’re not okay at all. They’re not and I’m not.

It’s been one very long and trying day. After a quick dinner with Fife (chili) I took  Brody to the park. We walked around the creek a few times then came home. It was nice. Then I went for the best ice cream in the world – mint chocolate chip. Oh yeah! It’s time to relax a bit before going to the horror show I call a bed. My dreams have been so lovely.

J of A

Something Here

Published on March 6, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Pets, Relationships and Soapbox. 2 Comments

I’m sure somewhere there’s an exact post I can do a copy/paste of instead of typing this out again. Basically, I’m exhausted, pissed, irritable and overwhelmed. I guess if I went back through my entries to see where that post is I could save some time and simply re-post it every time I feel this way.

I’m pleased I don’t have to fly out anywhere. I thought I was going out to see MeMe but she’s coming out here.

Brody is still in to everything and still very destructive. I’ll start over on a doll I left sitting out. Why does that keep happening? How come I’m careless enough to leave items sitting around? Who knows, dissociation, distraction, restroom emergencies, who knows but it happens… it happens. I can’t always account for my time or what I’ve done. Brody has his really good days and really bad days. Sometimes I do okay when he’s all over the place but other times I want to take him to the pound. I figure when I’m emotionally volatile his behavior gets to me a lot more. As I said before, I’ll bitch and moan about the dog. Just ignore me.

I got the dishes done and two loads of laundry. I haven’t decided on dinner yet. I think I want something simple. I haven’t decided on a DVD either. I know I don’t want comedy but I don’t want major drama either. I’m thinking some sort of romantic comedy type thing or something quiet and uneventful like The Village by M. Night Shyamalan. For me Friday is the worst night for TV. There’s nothing on CBS I want to watch. I don’t care to see The Demon Whisperer or Flashpoint. I usually like Numbers but tonight’s episode doesn’t look that great so I’ll go the DVD route tonight.

My roommate just got home. I’m still avoiding him like the plague cause I know I’m walking a thin line of patience.

J of A

Mousey Bear

Published on March 6, 2009 in Art. 1 Comment Tags: .

little-mouse-bear .little-mouse-bear-and-friend

This little guy doesn’t know if he wants to be a mouse or a teddy bear but one thing is for certain, he fits inside a soup mug perfectly. Here he sits beside his friend the on the bookshelf with a sunflower candle holder peeking out at the side of the photo.

I found out today that making shoes for dolls isn’t that hard. I actually made a pair today that look pretty good. They’ll go on one of two that’ll be completed soon…I hope.

The little mouse guy isn’t for sale. He’s mine all mine.

Austin

I Will and I Refuse

Published on March 5, 2009 in Mental Health. 2 Comments

Today I Will

  1. Take advantage of the warmer day and spend some time outside.
  2. Eat a healthy meal my body is worthy of. Fast food is like a slap in the face.
  3. Accept that yes I am angry but that I have healing options which can help ease the discomfort.
  4. Sew for myself.
  5. Look for opportunities and situations that will lighten my heart.

Today I Refuse

  1. To be discouraged by another person’s apathy.
  2. To be eaten alive by my own anger.
  3. To hold on to past relationships that have proven time and again to destroy progress in my healing process.
  4. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO BED BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FACE THIS DAY.
  5. To separate myself from the human race and be silent. I will not be silent.

J of A

DREAM: Backwards Motion

Published on March 5, 2009 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

We were dancing. The only time we felt free to move was when we danced alone. A masked lady asked questions about DID but I had a hard time helping her understand it’s not always obvious when a person switches. She thought every survivor must have DID and that every person who acted out of character must have DID. She told me about a case study where a man who hurt people probably did so because of his disorder. I tried to explain that I knew the case and the man never even implied he had inside people. As we talked small children danced and pretended to have a good time. When the masked women went inside the sun immediately went down and the small children disappeared. I danced with a young man who lived with the masked woman. The only time he moved freely was when he danced alone.

The dream changed from the two of us outside alone on a hill with huge stars in the sky to me naked and being spat on by him and another person. I can’t remember if the other person was male or female. I was soaked from head to food in spit. I got away from them and went inside the house where the mother of the two people was to try and get some clothing and maybe a ride home. The mother was combative and angry about my disorder. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Backwards Motion’

0 to 25 in 120 sec

Published on March 4, 2009 in For the Record and Humor. 0 Comments

My cab driver flaked on me today at the last minute. At least he called to let me know he couldn’t make it instead of simply not showing up. Calling at the last minute though meant I had to drive myself. I guess he figured I could make it with 20 min before showtime but he forgets my car is a beater.

I can’t take the highway like he can. I have to take the regular streets because my car doesn’t go above 45 miles per hour. I was only 10 min late though, 10 min even with about 50 school zones and a bunch of lights just before rush hour. Lord!

More time was eaten up as I pulled off from the lights cause my car doesn’t like to accelerate very quickly. Sometimes I have to put my flashers on to let the car behind me know I’ll be there a bit, he should go around me. I’ve gotten the finger more times than I can count and have been called every name in the book as the irritated driver goes around me. That’s okay though I still drive with my head up…that’s just how I roll.

The car has no rust at all, the breaks are great, most of the car is fine except…well, ya know, the engine. It gets me around though, slowly but surely it gets me where I’m going AND it has great gas millage. I can’t complain about that one bit.

If I’d known I’d drive myself to therapy I would have cleaned my car out last night. Note to self: Do not leave Churches Chicken wrappers in your car with a frikin bone in the bag. How triflin can you be? I parked a block away from the office…… shameful, just shameful….a chicken bone and a Fritos bag…. oh so triflin.

Austin

Poem: Let Me Grow

Published on March 3, 2009 in Poetry. 3 Comments

let me grow
wild and free
beyond walls and mountains
up, through and far afield.

let me grow with a frenzy
like waves wrestling to the shore line
like an army marching to victory
in the name of The King and His cause

let me go.
let me grow.

.

fma  – inspired by this photograph

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Copyright 2009 F. Magdalene Austin – All rights reserved