In therapy we discussed what it’s like to be lesbian in this state. I guess he figured some would be okay with it and others wouldn’t but he didn’t realize just how many times my friendships and other relationships have changed when my sexuality is discovered.
First off, I don’t advertise my sexuality or much of anything about myself for that matter. I do on the net but not in the 3D world. Yeah I have a bumper sticker that says 2CUTE2BSTR8 (too cute to be straight) but other than that my car is not a moving billboard and I’m not a spokesperson for the gay/lesbian community. However, if you ask me I’ll say I’m gay. Sometimes I want to go and tell people just so we can either cut the friendship short or get on with things. Too many times a person has discovered my sexuality and decided they couldn’t continue friendship or continue our acquaintance. I’d like to skip over all that and know right away if they’re going to bail. Case in point, I have a new neighbor with a 12 year old daughter who wants art lessons from me. My concern is that when she finds out she won’t want her daughter to come here. It’s a real concern based on past negative experiences.
Sometimes acceptance goes the opposite direction and the friend totally focuses on my sexuality. I get compared to other lesbians or I’m asked questions about lesbian sex as if I’m here to educate people on the ways of the lesbian. I’m not running Lesbian 101, but with some of the questions I get you couldn’t tell. Then there are men who think they can talk to me like they do their guy friends. Their language is disgusting, sexual and completely inappropriate. The other thing that gets me is how I’m compared to other lesbians. When I talk to Birdie and tell her about something that has nothing at all to do with sex or relationships she’ll pipe up and say, “So-in-so use to do that.” I guess we all act the same, we all look alike and we all know each other.
A few years ago a neighbor realized who Blossom was and no longer allowed his 2 young sons to walk by my house. An old therapist asked me one time if I thought the opposite sex would be more attracted to me if I lost weight. I’ve been asked if I’m gay because of what my mother did to me. I’ve been asked why some women are super butch and why they’d use certain . . . attachments shall we say. People assume I hate men and they assume I’m promiscuous or have no moral fiber at all. These people are dead wrong.
The level of stupidity I deal with over my sexuality would baffle many. The questions, comments, judgments and insults I get would make you blush and the outright rejection is enough to anger many. No wonder people stay in the closet for so many years. I’ll say this much, it’s easier for me to be gay than it is for a man. No one has put me in a position (because of my sexuality) to be their comedy relief and no one asks me for fashion tips as if I know the ins and outs of the fashion world. Most of the time our lesbian hang outs don’t have Barbie doll girls waiting to beat us up the way jocks wait to beat up gay men. Our job search is easier, neighborhood assimilation is easier and though people disagree and shun lesbianism they’re downright disgusted by two men. What I’ve been through surely isn’t half as bad as what my brother and other gay men go through, but it’s bad enough.
Note: I’m quite certain being gay wasn’t a choice, nor was it due to conditioning because I was sexually abuse by my mother. My sexuality has nothing to do with my violent marriage or because I haven’t found the right man.
It’s A Lesbian Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand-Monday, April 27, 2009 – 4:20PM EST
I just deleted a long, long comment because it was rambling. You constantly amaze me. You deal with so much on every front.
I keep typing and deleting because I keep getting far too deep into this issue. It has always seemed ludicrous to me that anyone should have to identify if they are gay or straight. Unless that someone is a potential partner how does it matter? I’m going to just go quietly now. This is just one of many subjects I could get on the old soapbox about.
Rambling is quite alright. As a matter of fact I have a masters degree in rambling with a PhD in going off.
Hi,
I love this line “The level of stupidity I deal with over my sexuality would baffle many”. Well I’m not baffled because I’m right there with you, dealing with all the idiotic comments and reactions you outline above.. just in a different country.
What baffles me further is the incredulity of so many left-wing people in my country who claim there is no longer any work to be done – that there is now total acceptance and equality.. whilst themselves indulging in much of the stupidity you mention above!
It’s so frustrating, there’s so much I could say and respond to every point you make because it’s all so depressingly familiar.
One more to add- I dread going out on work socialising events because (as someone who doesn’t drink) I have to deal with male colleagues who have a few beers and slur “can I ask you a question?”… d’oh!
Perhaps, you can look at it this way – we have a unique perspective because we’re one of a minority (I don’t mean gay.. I mean “intelligent”!) who knows how stupid the world is and what it really means not to judge and pigeon hole people.
Just.. a superb post. Thanks!
BTC
Great post.
I run into problems when people find out I (1) live in the south; (2) attend church; (3) attend a Baptist Church; (4) am a Republican; and (5) am a Christian. They automatically assume I’m anti-gay. I’m not anti-anyone. After a few terse discussions, two of my new co-workers, both homosexual, one male and one female, and I have gotten the kinks worked out and now we chit chat just like any other co-workers. Such a relief to get that out of the way.
“I have a masters degree in rambling with a PhD in going off.”
OK, yeah, this, along with this post, is the BEST thing I have read in weeks. I’m saving it to read again and again.
hugs
wily
@ Enola,
We do assume (because of experience) because of your social profile that you’ll be harsh and reject us as a *person*. These assumptions though based on experience are also a form of prejudice.
We become a bit defensive because we tire from constant bashing, scapegoating, out right rejection and mocking. As I said before, I’m not the spokesperson for the gay community but I have a feeling one of the reasons your co-workers “forced the issue” was so they could get on with things. I think sometimes we press the matter because getting sucker punched with rejection is worse than a flat out punch in the nose. This may be what happened with your co-workers.
I hate when I get new neighbors or meet new people because I know there’s a strong chance my sexuality will be an issue.
Austin
Yeah Austin, I know. I press the issue back because I want to get it out of the way. And because I feel some sense of obligation to prove that not all of us right-wing church goers are hate mongers
I guess it’s like you have the need to prove there are intelligent, not a man-hater, gay woman. Anyway, I’m glad to be past that here. I work closely with these two individuals (and the 4 others in our unit) and would hate there to be tension. Plus they are awesome people and one, in particular, I think will become a good friend.
People are curious. And nervous by nature. But I think for the most part they mean well. And I have found that when I react to their curiosity and nervousness in a calm matter of fact way, most are more accepting than expected. Maybe some of them do mean to insult you, I don’t know. But I suspect some – maybe the majority – just want to know you better. Want to connect in some way. While they may be clumsy and fumble their attempts to know you, most folks are basically decent. At least in my experience. I have been abused and neglected, too. And I spent many years as an out Lesbian. And I am fat.
So I know folks can be stupid and some can be mean. I spent 8 years with a sociopath. But I still think the vast majority of people have kind hearts. Some just need better social skills. 
(Myself included!)
I agree that most people are decent and many are simply curious and might feel comfortable enough with me to ask questions. The people that ask stuff like, “Do you think the opposite sex would be more attracted to you if you lost weight?” are the ones that get to me. The people that tell me I’m going to hell or break friendship and keep their kids away from me are the ones that get to me.
In general people are good but a small group seem hell bent on making certain I lose my faith in the strength of the human spirit.
Austin
“I guess we all act the same, we all look alike and we all know each other.”
That one cracked me up. You’ve an astounding repertoire of dry humoured responses to mass idiocy that never fails to hit the spot.
Meanwhile, what is with the ridiculous things people reckon they get to say when they find out your sexuality extends vaguely beyond the borders of their sad little imaginations? Seriously people, get a life already. Or, failing that, don’t open your mouth in the first place.
Ohhh, what I wouldn’t give for some duct tape sometimes