Wanted

Last night I had a dream that my mother held one of my dolls and instantly fell in love with it. She didn’t have the money to purchase it right away and asked if she could wait 5 weeks to pay me. I saw how much she liked the doll and agreed. She held it to her chest with a blanket folded over her arm. She looked like a little girl.

The doll she held is one I made that I hope doesn’t sell. If it doesn’t by the time my stimulus payment comes in next month then I’m going to keep her. There’s a certain look that I’m rather drawn to and this one has that look.

In the dream my mother felt love and she went out of her way to have the doll. She couldn’t afford it right then but was willing to put herself out to hold and cherish the doll. The fact that she held the doll I want lets me know in the dream the doll was me.

I’ll probably not think about this too much for fear of rejecting the doll. That sounds strange I’m certain but I’ve done it before. I end up feeling angry at the doll or item as if it drove my mother away. I see the item as myself and want to lock it up, stuff it in something, wrap it in plastic so it can’t breathe, etc. I find some way to hurt it/myself.

Back in ’93 this stupid guy took my Ernie doll (the orange guy from Sesame Street) and decided to hump him. I’d had that doll for years and loved it but after that it became like me and I didn’t want him anymore.  I project, spill and have transference issues when it comes to dolls. With black dolls it’s easy for me to get mixed up in my head and think the doll is me. The same thing happens when I read books where the main character is a black child. I guess I easily lose the boundaries of myself and I still search to blame anyone but the abuser for hurting me.

Austin