Monthly Archive for April, 2009

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I Can Make Myself Happy

Published on April 24, 2009 in Depression and Mental Health. 2 Comments Tags: .

I question just how well I’ll get. I question whether or not I’ll ever be nightmare free or have enough control over flashbacks, fear, grief and anger. Right now I’m not sure where my healing is headed but I do know this, even if this is as good as it gets I’m still allowed to have moments without pain and anguish.

I wrote a blog entry the other day called Three Fives. It was about five major triggers for self-injury ideation, suicidal ideation and five things that could happen in one day that would make the day go well. In this entry I’d like to focus on the five ingredients to a good day.

Five Daily Life Pleasures

  1. I’d pray before my feet hit the floor.
  2. Breakfast on the porch
  3. Laundry
  4. Create something
  5. Sleep well

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Survivor Tocantins, Brazil

Published on April 24, 2009 in For the Record and Soapbox. 3 Comments Tags: .

I‘m a die hard survivor fan and this season is truly worth watching, well I mean ya know if you like watching major egos clash as the “weaker ones” are humiliated and pummeled with degrading comments then ya it’s worth watching. Keeping with the Dragon Slayer theme this season hosts a few noble players and peons as well as goblins and gooles.  I love the show but I hate how they exploit the obvious lying bastard that is Coach Wade. The man or shall I say Goblin Wade is seriously delusional as well as a compulsive liar. Basically the show has taken a sick bastard to make a buck off of him and we watch it in total disgust, but we watch it. Really though, would we watch the show if it were filled with nice people? Probably not. Where would be the fun in that? We want  bastards, liars and a nice guy and that’s  exactly what we got.

Early in the show Tyson aka little gool was funny. I thought he was comedy relief for the obvious stress caused by Coach Wade but now I see clearly he’s a mean little snap and pawn to Master Goblin Wade. These people are ridiculous.

Survivor seems to have a theme, they snatch up an outsider Mormon (usually openly gay), someone mentally ill, someone who will never have a chance in hell of winning and then someone with an ego the size of Texas. What we get is a crowd of undesirables and a few likable people. We watch the antics of the undesirables then hope the nice people will win but usually they don’t. As long as I’ve watched this show I’ve only seen that happen twice. Go Rupert!! Go Bob!!

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Grief

Published on April 22, 2009 in Art Therapy, Depression, Emotions, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss and Secrets and Confessions. 2 Comments

Copyright 2009-2010 @ Sundrip Journals. All rights reserved.

GriefI feel anger more than any other emotion. Second to anger is guilt. These two emotions mixed are paralyzing and cause me much grief.

Sketch notes: A faceless person sits on a stool in a plain robe with its head hung low. A vase of flowers is spilled at “his” feet. He’s holding one flower which was saved from those on the floor. The body is covered from head to toe in simple clothing. The person is nothing at all, no one at all, and paralyzed inside and out.

fma

Three Fives

Published on April 22, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions and PTSD. 1 Comment

Three FivesThe other day I watched the movie Traffic with Benicio Del Toro and Michael Douglas. In the movie Michael Douglas’ daughter played by Erika Christensen had a cocaine problem and went to rehab for it. In a group therapy setting the participants were asked to write down 5 triggers that might cause them to use again. Since I was watching the show with self injury on my mind I decided to jot down the five major triggers that might move me to cut as well as suicidal ideation. I also included five things that could happen during the day for me to call it a good day, thus the three fives. Included in this entry is what I sketched as I watched the movie.

Five Triggers for Self Injury
A shaming comment
Physical exhaustion
A vivid dream about sexual abuse by my sister
When I feel invisible or ignored
Talking about the physical torture by my mother

Five Triggers for Suicidal Ideation
Guilt
Physical exhaustion
When I feel like a failure who can’t do anything right
Money problems
Flashbacks aka emotional torture

Five Signs of a Good Day
I’d pray before my feet hit the floor.
Breakfast on the porch
Laundry
Create something
Sleep well

Sketch notes: In the picture Joan is to the far left, a child is in the middle and my sister is to the far right. We have a brick wall holding up our head with roots coming from the bottom of the brick wall. There’s a very small home scene at the top and a child-like drawn tree. There’s not one single flower in this sketch. I usually draw flowers to depict certain emotions, happy, sad, grief, what have you. In this art therapy sketch there isn’t one single flower. That’s unusual for me. It’s noteworthy that recently I’ve felt very closed off and shut down from everyone and everything. I’ve tried my best to see how many of the five good things I can add to each day. So far I’ve managed to get at least 3 in one day. That to me is still a good day, all five are not required.

fma

Quiet

Published on April 20, 2009 in Art Therapy, Depression and Therapy. 2 Comments

I know I’ve been quiet. I’m having a bit of a difficult time and I’m feeling rather closed up.

I have art therapy entries to update but I’m not sure what else I’m going to do for the next few days.  I’m not going to say I’m going to take a break cause I really don’t know if I’ll feel more open tomorrow or if it’ll come a few days from now. I have no idea.

Three Fives

Me

A Knock At The Door

Published on April 17, 2009 in Pets and PTSD. 3 Comments Tags: .

Gus on WoodIndianapolis has had a rash of break-ins that include burglary/homicide as well as restrain and burglarize. These home invasions seem to show up on the news nightly anymore.  In one home invasion where the two teenagers were tied up and robbed the criminals knocked on the door and waited for them to answer. One lady with MS came to the door, was knocked over, restrained and then robbed. In the last month there have been 2 robbery homicides so when someone knocked on my door at 3am the other morning I did not answer.

Sometimes I’m so strong into a flashback that it’s hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t so I depend upon my dog to help figure out if certain noises or smells are actually there. Had I been alone that night I might have chalked up a knock at the door to the state of mind I was in but when Gus went the hell off and nearly went through my picture window I was quite certain flashbacks didn’t come into play.

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DREAM: Porcelain, Guns and Sisters

Published on April 16, 2009 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

DREAM

My apartment building was going to be demolished so the residents had to be moved to other government funded housing. Everyone found a place to relocate save a small group which I was a part of. There was only one more apartment building that had 7 one bedroom apartments open so the small group piled into a white van and drove over. Once we got there and walked in there was a powerful smell of death in the hallway. The apartment building itself was clean but the smell could knock you over. People moved around here and there, socialized and such without even noticing the smell. They’d become accustomed to it but the small group was nearly gagging. The old building manager wanted to see the new manager to ask what could be done about the smell before we all moved in but she couldn’t be found. I worried that even if I washed every day with strong soap I’d still walk around smelling like death. Surely it would seep in my clothing, in my hair and follow me everywhere. No matter how hard I tried to cover it up the smell of death would be over me. Still I was placed in a small room with others to wait for an assigned apartment.

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