Monthly Archive for April, 2009

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Nurtured

Published on April 15, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist and PTSD. 5 Comments

After reading the definition of the word “nurture” in several dictionaries I wonder if it’s possible for parents to value their children, to cherish and love them despite not being the grand nurturer others expect them to be. Certain words in the definition stood out for me, protect, support and encourage, educate, develop, cherish. I suppose in order for a parent to nurture a child they’d have to feel something for it but what if they really do love the child but aren’t capable of nurturing? Is it possible to love but be incapable of nurturing? I’m not so sure it is. When I think of these words in relation to me and my mother I can only conclude that I was merely and object, property and nothing more.

Is it really that hard to nurture someone? I figure some people aren’t “motherly” and aren’t natural born “nurturers” but one would think there’d be at least a trace of in someone with children or in a position to care for a dependent.

Today in therapy we talked about how many times a mother shows love to her child during feeding times but for me meal times had more to do with reward or punishment.

Nurture–verb (used with object)

1. to feed and protect: to nurture one’s offspring.
2. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: to nurture promising musicians.
3. to bring up; train; educate.

The quality of my meal was based on how well I performed that day or how well I did my chores. I needed to work to get that meal. If it wasn’t up to her satisfaction then the meal was pitiful. If she was in a giving mood it was nothing short of a banquet. Extremes, always extremes. Continue reading ‘Nurtured’

Renea age 9

Published on April 13, 2009 in Art Therapy and Dissociative Identity Disorder. 0 Comments

renea

Renea is a child alter in a system of multiple personalities but if she had a body of her own this is what she’d look like.
She’s quiet
Bible knowledgeable
Apologetic
Well beyond her years
Timid
Organized
Likes dolls, pink, blue, cats and birds
Responsible
Sweet
Artistic
Loves books

fma

My Kryptonite

Published on April 12, 2009 in Gratitude Journal and Humor. 6 Comments Tags: , .

Dear Friends,

Around 10:30 last night I got a phone call saying a friend of mine was on her way over. I immediately thought, hmm, that’s strange that someone would come over on a day when the house is clean. Came she did and with her she brought a bag of Peppermint Patties. In a frenzy I opened the bag and scarfed. I’m not sure what she blabbed on about because I was too busy stuffing my face. After the 3rd patty I thought to myself, “This is a trick! Nobody brings peppermint in the middle of the night. What does she want?” I wondered through my sugar high, is she here to rob me? This is a set up!

Bringing me peppermint is like bringing Superman kryptonite. Hey look Superman I brought you a gift. He opens it up and the robbers take all his stuff. One could naively conclude she was just being friendly but I’m not that person. Over the top of a patty I kept a suspicious eye on her.

Continue reading ‘My Kryptonite’

What Do I Bring To The Table?

Published on April 10, 2009 in Relationships and Soapbox. 7 Comments

Today Fife Senior said that I live off of him. That is of course not true but it got me to thinking, what exactly do I add to this household? After searching my brain for an answer I’ve decided it might not be necessary for me to add anything at all. Do I need to pin point exactly what I bring to the household so I can justify my presence? No, I surely don’t.

I can tell you this much though, I don’t berate the guy to his face. Oh, I go off on him on the blog but I sure never name call or dog him to his face. More than half the things I say on the blog aren’t said to him, ever. I think if I did he might respect me a bit more.

Unlike his children I don’t take his things nor do I control his schedule or take his money. Perhaps if I did he would treat me like them and jump when I say so. Maybe the trash wouldn’t have sat in the kitchen for a full three weeks had his daughter asked him to take it out.

I guess you could say I offer the other side of the coin. It’s just he’s not use to the other side. He sees no value in it most of the time. This to me is sad.

Continue reading ‘What Do I Bring To The Table?’

In My Head Part One

Published on April 9, 2009 in Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Secrets and Confessions, Therapy and Trust. 0 Comments

These are the thoughts that swirl in my head during my therapy sessions. There’s so much talking in my head I can hardly hear him sometimes. This is part one of two.

inner-therapy-thoughts

If I hide my face I’ll look stupid.
I’ll look stupid if I rock.
I wonder if my eyes are crossed.
I want to throw the pillow at his head.
I hope he doesn’t know my mom.
I hope he doesn’t tell her stuff.
I want to go home.
I’m babbling.
I hope I don’t stink.
I wonder if he disinfects the place after I leave.
I hope he knows I keep my word.
Yes sir. Don’t say “yes sir.”
Can we hold the bear?
Who cares if it looks stupid just sit on the floor. It feels better.
I’m a liar.
Don’t move.
You need to talk so he can hear you.
Don’t forget he’s sitting there.
This is stupid. I want to go home.
I hate that he goes away on Friday.
Why does he have a doll house?
He thinks we’re a fake.
I wonder if my clothes are okay.
Can I go home now?
Be quiet. I can’t hear him.

——-
Dr. D noted the main theme here is self-consciousness. He wanted to know if I felt that way just with him or with most people. I feel this way with most people. I don’t stand too close because I worry about smelling bad. I worry that I might switch and do something that looks strange. I think it’s safe to say I worry, a lot.

In the drawing there’s purposely no colour on the girl just around her. Her head is covered with a green cloth which for me symbolizes humility and youth. The colour green for me often symbolizes youth. The head covering has to do with humility or even humiliation.

fma

On Animals and Humans

Published on April 8, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Pets, PTSD and Relationships. 7 Comments

Like clock work I have an attitude Monday and Wednesday (therapy days). My living situation allows me to be borderline combative if anyone should have the nerve to speak to me. If I don’t want to talk to my roommates on those days I don’t have to. I don’t need to put dinner on the table for anyone but myself and I don’t need to put on a smile to keep from upsetting people around me. Nope, I have space to be as irritated as I want to be. I have a separate entrance, a separate yard and I’m able to totally close off my area from the other two people that live here. They don’t have to see how ugly it can get when I’m like this.

The other day it occurred to me that the animals I live with allow me to live how I want to without having to answer to a human being. Without my ex here I don’t have to have the television on. I don’t have to deal with the radio if I don’t want to hear it. Noise sometimes gets to me. Even the slightest every day noise grates at me including the human voice. I don’t want the noise. I also don’t want to be touched if I don’t feel like being touched. I no longer have to greet anyone with a kiss or hug. When I get up from nightmares there’s no good morning required. There’s no eye contact to make, no loving touch to offer or daily requests to hear. Living with pets means I don’t have to make a lot of adjustments to my daily living habits. I don’t have to adjust my living space for anyone but myself. I can be selfish and self absorbed.

Continue reading ‘On Animals and Humans’

Criminal Minds and Multiple Personality Disorder

Published on April 8, 2009 in Abuse and Dissociative Identity Disorder. 0 Comments Tags: .

I hardly ever watch Criminal Minds anymore because it’s so triggering but in a bored stupor I turned it on tonight. I got to the last 20 min of the show and realized it had to do with DID. I guess there were clues. The unsub talked about horrible headaches. When asked about the murders he said he only partly remembered the attack. The way the unsub answered that question is how I’ve answered many questions, “I sort of remember but not really.” There were many subtle clues that most DID’s could pick up if they were looking for them. I wasn’t looking for them. Only after I turned it off did these clues stand out for me.

Continue reading ‘Criminal Minds and Multiple Personality Disorder’