What the hell was I thinking this morning when I chased that guy off my property? What was he thinking when he looked dead at me then looked away with no concern at all. It was as if I had no right to wonder why he was in my yard. When he looked away from me as if he could sit there as long as he wanted and it didn’t’ matter how I felt about it the whole situation turned ugly. This is what happened:
This morning before therapy a guy pulled into the area of my yard that isn’t fenced. The dog barked at him for a good long time. Finally I went out to see what he wanted. He wasn’t on the street nor was he in the driveway. He was actually parked on the grass talking on the phone. I couldn’t get his attention from the porch so I walked up to the fence. He looked over at me then away again like he didn’t give a rat’s ass that he was on my damn grass or that I was standing in front of him. Enter major attitude!
My first response was to throw something at his car. That kind of scared me cause I came real close to throwing my cigarette lighter. I thought, Oh no you didn’t just dismiss me AND park in my grass. In a very stupid move I decided to leave the safety of my fence and approach his vehicle. As I rounded the corner to his car he started the engine then called into question my moral standing. Also in his tirade he decided it was wise to offend my mother as well an entire ethnic community. He doesn’t even know my mother. What’s more, he doesn’t know what a true n-word is but please step from the false security of your vehicle and let me show you. Watch me jump from half way under control to damn ass crazy in 3 seconds flat. But no, he decided to toss out that word then leave. Coward!
Lets back up for a second. Two people’s worlds just collided and did so at warp speed. Both of us brought issues to the table that had nothing at all to do with the other person. He thought it was okay to go and be anywhere he wanted to be even if it was private property. He thought it was okay to dismiss my inquiry. These are his issues with boundaries and respect. Why he has them I don’t know. Where did he get the idea that it’s okay to speak to a person the way he did? When and why did he bend to the god of racial hatred and set out to be disrespectful to the entire human race? I have no idea but I know why I responded as I did. I know when, where and why I was so offended . I also know neither one of us seriously considering who we were dealing with. Here are a few things he and I should have considered before being so willing to enter conflict.
- Can I guarantee that the person I’m about to offend with the n-word is in a good enough space not to kill me during this confrontation?
- Is the person’s vehicle I’m about to approach in a good enough space mentally to not shoot me?
- Are my angry words possibly worth dying over?
- If I toss out the n-word and drive off will the person take down my license plate number, look me up then show up on my door step?
- Why am I this angry with a perfect stranger?
Neither one of us considered the consequence of our actions before taking them. Once he dismissed me with a look it was on. I was pissed, triggered. Originally I wanted to know if there was some sort of emergency but after his words I didn’t care one single bit. The chance he took was great as well. How did he know I wasn’t armed with more than my attitude? He and I should have asked a few simple questions before jumping in each others faces that way. Maybe just one question would have sufficed. Is this worth possibly dying over?
I was dead wrong for walking up to his vehicle triggered with past trauma experiences. I won’t be ignored. You will see me. I’m not invisible. You can’t do what you want to me and not give a damn how I feel about it, etc, etc. He was more than dead wrong from the get-go ’till the end. And both of us were dead wrong when we failed to consider possible consequences of our actions. The problem is sometime earlier we were both angry enough with the world that we were looking for a fight. Our ability to reason was tossed out the window to satisfy our need to lash out at anything or anyone even if they had nothing to do with the original problem.
There was another time I had a run-in with a stranger but it turned out a lot better. Two Strangers With Something In Common.
Austin’s August
Looking For a Fight -Thursday, May 21, 2009 – 1:34AM
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