In Plain Sight

In last night’s dream I was at a house where an East Indian lady was pulling runes (casting lots) and reading a board. She was also said to be some sort of healer. A group of men burst into the facility where many people ran for protection and healing from her. When the men burst in she told them the place was spiritual and she had religious protection from the local government. The men told her as long as she didn’t step outside she’d have sanctuary but the moment she stepped outside the safety of her temple area she would be arrested. When the men left the  lady began to care for an 8 year old boy with Down Syndrome.

In another part of the building was a kitchen where my mother and I filled our plates with pizza. She searched the cabinets to find my “links”. She wanted to find where I’d written links to my blog, my shops and my favorites. I’d written them on a paper plate which happened to be the on I pulled from the cabinet. I thought if I went ahead and pretended to stay in the kitchen to make sure she didn’t find my links then she’d never suspect that they were inches from her sight. All I had to do was play along and pretend I was there to make certain she didn’t find my links. They were hiding right there in plain sight. I woke up from there.

In therapy last Wednesday we talked about how Princess Fife (PF) jacked up my paintings while I wasn’t home. I told him I felt like I needed to hide certain things in my private area of the house to make sure they weren’t broken when I got back home. When PF was here I had a drink sitting in the kitchen that I decided was better off in the sink. I don’t know if she’d do anything to my drink or not but I wasn’t thirsty enough to find out. This lead to how when I lived at home I had to hide my toothbrush and how I should never walk away from my glass because the brush would be used for something gross and she’s spit in the drink or worse. The mother told me to hide my toothbrush or something gross would happen to it. When I said that Dr. D said, “She knew she couldn’t control herself.” I said no, the point was my sister and I knew better than to walk away from our glass and we knew better than to leave our toothbrush out. If we did and she bothered it we had only ourselves to blame. Many times she’s go and find the toothbrush and sit it out to let us know we didn’t hide it well enough. She did the same thing with my diary. I’d hide it, she’d get it and put it out somewhere so I could see she found it. No words were spoke, the toothbrush or the diary would simply sit someplace I could see it so I’d remember even if I try I can’t hide from her.  She was on the “everything is naked and openly exposed” kick again. I’m sure this is where the part in my dream about my blog and other links came into play. I needed to hide access to my diary of thoughts, feelings and desires. The best way to do that was in plain sight.

When I told Dr. D about how the toothbrush and drink abuse he commented that we couldn’t even do those simple without stress, concern and fear. From there we talked about how we had to ask to use the restroom and we had to ask for a glass of water. We couldn’t just go get it or get up and use the restroom. We needed permission. If something was in our drink when we returned there was no choice but to drink it. I wonder if that’s why I gulp almost everything right down. I drink like I’ve never had anything to drink before in my life.

The other day when Princess Fife started moving her stuff in here I thought about hiding my toothbrush but so far I haven’t. I chose not to. And when I discovered I’d left my drink in the kitchen I had the option of tossing it out. I chose to toss it.

Dr. D and I also discussed my move. He doesn’t seem so certain that it’s the right thing for me to do. I assured him I wouldn’t move until I find a place I can afford and a place I can have both Bella and Gus. I need somewhere safe, somewhere affordable and somewhere that allows me to use the cab service’s restricted distance transportation program. This will not be an over night or impulsive move. I need a plan. I have to know I’m not about to jump from the pan into the fire. I believe the stress here has risen to a level I can’t live with indefinitely. Even if PF doesn’t live in this house she will always be an issue. The woman is a time bomb. It seems every 3 months or so there’s some sort of huge blow up worse than the last one. Even if she shut her mouth and never came back to the house she’d still be an issue because she takes him money to the point where he stops paying the mortgage. When I found out a bit ago the house was in foreclosure (despite my rent in full) I was furious. He’d been giving her the money. My rent is $100 shy of the full mortgage payment. How did the house end up in foreclosure? Come to find out he was giving her all his money. While the house is currently out of foreclosure and safe from the banks it’s not safe from Princess Fife which means my home here is constantly threatened. Temper tantrums plus out right verbal assaults plus violation of my boundaries and property equals time to go. The move is the right thing to do but I won’t jump from the pan into the fire. I’ve had enough time to calm down and reason that beating her ass will only land me in jail. That too is jumping from  the frying pan into the fire. For these reasons I’ll endure the pan a little longer until I find a suitable place to live.

Since the day PF destroyed 5 of 11 paintings Fife Senior and I haven’t said one word to each other, not one word. This is not how a home should be. I left my property unattended and it got messed up so I’m trying to square in my head that it wasn’t my fault. Right now my toothbrush remains in my restroom in plain sight still, I will not return to a drink if it is left in the kitchen unattended. This is where everything stands right now.

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Both smaller paintings were photographed shortly before they were ruined. The second photo is of a painting in progress that I delayed putting with the others. I’m so happy I didn’t put it out there. The paintings that were ruined by Princess Fife ranged from 3 x 5 to 36 x 28, five of 11 were destroyed.

Austin

In Plain Sight – Sunday, May 31, 2009 – 3:09AM EST