Monthly Archive for June, 2009

When She’s Dead and Buried

Published on June 30, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist and PTSD. 5 Comments

The question was put to me, “I understand hypervigilance was imperative as a child and in early adulthood years but do you think its productive now? Do you need this much awareness in your life now?” My answer was this, “Yes. As long as she’s alive I need it. As long as she’s breathing she’s a threat to me.”

I figure this woman is going to linger on cause most evil people do. She’s only 62 which means she’ll be around for a bit. That young plus a black heart means she’ll take forever and a day before freeing the world of her presence. I believe then and only then will I believe I’m safe. Then and only then will I be sure I won’t run into her on the street or fear she’s standing in my bedroom doorway watching me. She won’t show up on my doorstep like last Christmas. In death she can’t physically hit me or break me with a word. Yeah, I’m still scared to death of her and with good cause.

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DREAM: Male Genital Mutilation

Published on June 29, 2009 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Female Sadist and PTSD. 2 Comments

In last night’s dream the police were attempting to catch a woman who murdered hundreds of 6 and 7 year old Caucasian boys by cutting off their penis. She gave them chocolate bars to eat and when their faces were full and sweet she killed them and left them on the floor like garbage. She photographed them and sent them to other pedophiles who also like snuff. The police raided a woman’s house and found a folder with a huge collection of these photos. She was held for questioning then accused of killing the boys. I asked the officer what proof he had that she killed them? If she was going to prison I wanted to know what proof there was to send her there. He said, “What proof is there she didn’t do it?”

The photos were graphic, clear and many.

The officer handcuffed the woman and walked her down the hallway to the cruiser where she as to be taken to jail. As we walked I argued with him, “What proof is there that she’d done this?” “What proof is there that she didn’t do it?” Back and forth we went. I argued for her, he argued against her. Our argument was as if we’d both forgotten she was guilty of child pornography and hiding numerous homicides and focused solely on if she’d killed the boys herself. I saw her as innocent because there was no proof she’d killed those boys. The officer saw her as guilty because there was no proof for her innocence or guilt so he chose which one she was.

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Because They Can

Published on June 29, 2009 in Depression, Female Sadist and PTSD. 4 Comments

Sometimes it feels safer to sit on the floor. I want to turn out the lights, tuck my head and focus solely on my sketchbook. I sketch or paint int he dark a lot but I can’t seem to let myself sit on the floor.  I worry I’ll get lost in my head. I worry as soon as I sit down there I’ll dissociate and retreat inside.  Instead of going in the living room to sketch I just keep clicking next on the Stumble Upon site. I visit about a third of the history, arts and science sites. I’m not bored. I’m anxious and I’m running.

Dr. D said when I run I don’t allow myself to “just be”. He called it mindfulness. I call it opening the flood gates to “just be” attacked by what has me in flight in the first place. I know it would help to process it and stop running so why don’t I do that? Cause it hurts.

My mind goes too fast but not fast enough to get away from itself.

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You Can’t Fake Ugly

Published on June 26, 2009 in For the Record. 1 Comment Tags: .

Ugly Sticks are sort of like the perfect sidekicks to have with you at all times in the Uglyverse. They are there for you. Feeling sad? Ugly Sticks will knock that right out of you.  POW! Happy now? No wait… Feeling really Ugly? GOOD! Ugly means UNIQUE! Anyone can retouch a photo to look beautiful but you can’t fake Ugly! Celebrate how truly UGLY you really are  with Ugly Stick and show us what you’ve got!

Absolutely true! This is the description for a doll I think is adorable. Her name is Fea Bea and she’s by Uglydolls.com. Ugly dolls remind me of what Sesame Street started out trying to accomplish. They wanted to show the beauty of being unique but then they got caught in the trap of political correctness mixed with some serious errors in judgment. I’m still a huge fan of Bert and Ernie, particularly Ernie and his little rubber ducky.

Austin

Death Reports

Published on June 25, 2009 in Grief Sadness Loss. 2 Comments

Farrah Fawcett died today. If you get a chance to see her video commentary on living with cancer take it. The documentary isn’t of a star suffering but of a human being once thought to be exceptionally beautiful fighting a terrible disease.

We know too that Ed McMahon passed Tuesday. He will certainly be missed by many.

In better news Michael Jackson died today at age 50 of a heart attack. Why is it a good thing that he’s no longer with us? Because the King of Pop was also a pedophile. I shall not mourn. It also bothers me that Ferrah Fawcett got second billing to a pedophile. He pretty much stole the show, again.

Austin

Today’s Emotions and Thoughts

Published on June 25, 2009 in Abuse, Grief Sadness Loss, PTSD and Therapy. 5 Comments

I hate mice. Last night at the restaurant there was a mouse. Freaked me out bad! I left, just got up and left. I panicked big time and wanted to walk home… the whole 2 miles there. Uh, huh like that was going to happen but try telling that to a 5 year old alter dead set on getting away from the building with a mouse in it. It was dark too and the way home isn’t lit every well so it could have been bad had she tried to walk home. We got her calmed down, my friend came out of the restaurant and we drove home. She stayed for a tad bit after we got here (majorly helpful) and then went home. Today I saw a mouse at home. I’m not a happy camper.

I’m angry about everything… not everything, mainly about this house and how it looks.

Every time I go into the kitchen I’m pissed because of how bad it is in there and in the dining room. I took a video of the house to bring in to Dr. D today. He was shocked and said the house is out of control. I told him I’m desperately trying to get a hold of a dorm fridge so that I can put it back here and not have to go out there as much. I have cooking stuff back here. I just need a dorm fridge or something small like that. I’ve been looking on Freecycle.org (I don’t do Craigslist) but so far nothing. I think I’m going to have to go with a new one which is going to hurt like hell financially. I’ve been looking around for a place. The plan is to move but it’s not going to happen that fast.

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The Family’s Stronghold

Published on June 24, 2009 in Abuse, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, PTSD and Trust. 1 Comment

Holding It All Together Art Therapy.Haunted House and Mind Art Therapy .

When little girls are the glue that is expected to hold the house together, fully expect the walls to fall down.

fma