Thank You Lucille

With all the restroom and toothbrush triggers, violent half baked roommates and physical exhaustion I figure it’s time to do a tad bit of therapeutic creative writing with a humorous slant.  So the extremes  in the writing make sense I need to explain a few things.

My restroom issues and OCD issues with my restroom basically have to do with my own restroom, not a facility or at someone’s home. My issues have to do with a toothbrush targeted for disgustingness and with abusive stuff centered on fecal material and urine. It can be highly triggering and overwhelming to walk into the restroom and brush my teeth. But what if I had a special kind of restroom that offered no triggers and was designed with me in mind? What would that look like? Hmmm….. (curious music fades in then out)

It’s time to brush my teeth. I’ve left my small washroom and now must go to the super secure area which holds a claw foot bathtub and hand sink. As I walk I think of the yellow ducky rug on the floor and  rubber ducky sitting in the tub. I smile.  In a bright white, super soft bath robe and over stuffed red slippers I approach the stainless steel door to the top secret area. In order to gain access I must identify myself through fingerprint verification. Once the computer verifies that I am who I say I am all 5 dead bolts are released. Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. Silence. The door opens with a soft release of air pressure then a sultry sexy female computer voice says, “Hello Little Duck.” “Hi Lucille” I say. Lucille is the name of my restroom security system.
Lucille: How can I best serve you, you  with beautifully clear skin, long eye lashes and a stunning personality?
Little Duck aka yours truly:  (awkward silence) Um….well….I’d like access to my toothbrush please.
Lucille: Of course. May I ask you to step on the proper floor tile?

After standing square on the secret tile the wall with the hand sink turns around to reveal a hidden button. I push it. I step back and let the sink return to its proper position. Three seconds later the mirrored medicine cabinet doors open. I am now ready for stage four of accessing my toothbrush. My long time friend Lucille must now request retina identification. After a few computer trills 5 dead bolt locks are released. I hear a whoosh of air pressure before my Oral B ProfessionalCare 8900 DLX series power brush slowly moves towards me on a surgically sterile platform.

Lucille: What flavor tooth paste would you like today? You seem to favor Miller Genuine Draft.
Little Duck: No, I think I’ll have a little Southern Comfort with Whitening power.
Lucille: As you wish.
Little Duck: Thank you Lucille.

The sultry computer voice commands the perfect amount be applied to my Oral B. After thorough dental care  she inquires:  Shall I draw your bath at the regular time?
Little Duck: Yes, about 8:30 would be fine.
Lucille: Would you like your regular water temperature a steady 78 degrees, room temperature 70 degrees and steam at 30 minute intervals? May I offer fresh roses and candles? Please tell me, how can I best serve you? Your every wish is my command.
Little Duck: That’s a bit of over kill isn’t it?
Lucille: I’m a program; all my responses were written by you.
Little Duck: In other words, I programmed you to throw yourself at me?
Lucille: That is correct.
Little Duck: I’d like an extra tablespoon of Jasmine oil, 3 white roses and Mozart.
Lucille: As you wish.

After my dental treatment and night time bath order I’d complete all four security measures in reverse. I’d then call to have Lucille re-programmed ’cause she’s starting to creep me out.

(curious music no longer applies)

*For those that don’t know, I’ve been called little duck since I as a kid. The nickname stuck. I kind of like it. So not only am I obsessed with sunflowers but little ducks too. One day I plan to have a little duck bathroom rug*

Thank You Lucille – Tuesday, June 02, 2009 – 12:43AM EST