I See Things

Since my therapist was sick on Monday I went in today and will return tomorrow. Several times while talking to him I drifted off in dissociation. Back at home I’m easily startled because I think I see mice out of the corner of my eye. Usually when I’m super stressed this way I think I see mice running around. They aren’t but because of stress I think I see them. I turn to look but nothing is there.

I told Dr. D I will put a lock on my restroom door to try and manage the paranoia I have over my toothbrush. I told him about the story I wrote and then about how I don’t really expect Princess Fife to do anything to my toothbrush but I still need to lock that door when I leave for my own peace of mind. All I did was leave the house for 20 min only to come back to something I left out destroyed. Part of my fury is  that I struggle with feeling like I invited this destruction because I let my guard down. I should have been more careful and this wouldn’t have happened. That’s the toothbrush lesson with my mother. If I left it out and she did stuff to it it was my fault cause I left it out. Paintings and toothbrushes become the same in an instant and bind strong with guilt and shame.

There are only two restrooms in this house, three people share his right now. I figure if I’m not home she may use mine. I don’t know. It’s just hard to keep it all straight in my head.

When I brush my teeth now I can taste the toilet bowl. I can see fecal material on the toothbrush. It’s not there. I figure if I put a lock on my door at least I can have some sort of concrete evidence that she didn’t get in my restroom to use it then take the opportunity to mess with me like my mother did.

I’d rather lock the restroom when I leave than hide the brush. At least this way I can tell myself there’s nothing on the brush because there’s no way on earth she got past the lock.

I’m tired and triggered big time.