Teddy Bear Lost

The other day at the Disabled American Veteran’s discount store I realized Mousy wasn’t in my pocket. I freaked! I went around the store looking for him but I couldn’t find him. All these thoughts went through my head. What if someone tries to buy him? What if I have to take my bear from the arms of a toddler. I’ll do it!

I frantically went to the front of the store to tell my friend who is also a cashier there that I couldn’t find the Mouse. My frantic six year old said to  me, “I want this motherfucker on lock down.”  Not only was I stunned she said it I had to correct her language and explain to her that they wouldn’t announce a Code Adam for a teddy bear. Amber Alert’s don’t apply to plush.

I went up to my friend with eyes as big as saucers and tried to explain what I was looking for. I realized I was just babbling. I couldn’t get real words out of my mouth.  I couldn’t get out a description of the bear or his red scarf. All I could say was “gone. he’s gone.” I was totally freaked out then a lady came up to me and told me she found him on the floor by the toy isle.

Little Mousy doesn’t go with us anywhere but to therapy now. We made another bear to take with us when we shop for bear accessories and stuff.  I don’t know that I ever want to hear in relation to Mouse  “I want this motherfucker on lock down” or stuttering in front of a cashier who has no clue why I’m so panicked over a bear.

It was not a good day but we at least got to make another bear we call Sage.

With the major upset here at home I said I’d be true to my emotions and not give myself a hard time for crying or being afraid. I’m allowed to be angry and all of that. When I’m angry my language gets terrible. When my little ones are angry their language gets just as bad. Every single one of us feels the stress of Fife Senior’s daughter. From the oldest to the youngest we are stressed to the max. My little ones, though they are not allowed to curse like that, are allowed to be angry and express it. As a child I was always told I could be angry but I’d better not show it. Everyone in this system is allowed to show and express their anger in safe and age appropriate/acceptable ways. It is not acceptable for a six year old (alter out outside child) to use those words which is why we talked to her about it. I understand she’s angry and scared, confused and majorly triggered by our living situation and I know she didn’t want to lose her home and her bear. It was sad to see her in the store. It was as if she’d lost the last thing that belonged to her. We got Mousy back and now he has a little sister. My little one has been given other out lets for her anger.

We try our best to work together. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail miserably most of the time we play it by ear with no real plan of action. When stuff at home is this volatile and this triggering I’m may feel stressed and I may  have a hard time dealing with it but there are a bunch of others inside who feel the same thing but don’t have a clue what to do with it. I’ve said this a lot the last few days, I’m totally exhausted. To feel my own anger and resentment is tiring, to feel bits and pieces from those inside me (big and small) totally drains me. There’s constant talking, a hundred questions about what on earth is wrong with the girl in the other part of the house. They want to know if she’s going to come back here. They want a promise from Morton that he won’t listen to her and walk out there and slap her silly. Can she get back here? Is it safe to go to sleep? Is she our mother? If we hadn’t left our art work out there would she be this angry? If we’d just let her block the door would she be this angry? It’s hard to sort through it, to answer questions, put out miniature fires’ as well as deal with our everyday stuff like Lupus, Fybro and therapy.

It seems like the word maxed is an understatement. It feels like I’m seconds from losing it, like I’m wound too tight and the thread which binds my sanity is going to snap. There’s only so much crap a person should deal with in one day. I’m just happy losing Mousy wasn’t one of those things.  He’s safe and sound, in his little cup with his sister. Both of them can be seen here.

Austin