During my therapy appointment:
We talked about feeling like everything bad that happens to anyone at all is my fault. We talked about how when younger the mother’s happiness was said to depend on my actions alone. It’s not my fault my friend’s mother died Wednesday but somehow I thought it was. Forget that she was 87 years old. My friend’s marriage is in the toilet (different friend) and I thought to myself, my goodness, had she just not befriended me her marriage would still be okay. I thought awhile ago when a friend of mine ended up sick that she should stop talking to me because I’d just depress her and make her sicker. I’m not all powerful I know this, part of me knows this.
Before my therapy appointment I went to sit down in the waiting room. I sat in my normal spot which was two chairs away from a guy. About a minute or so later he got up and left. In my head I heard, he left because you stink.
The longer this house looks the way it does and the more I’m triggered by it the more I revert to the child I use to be.
Before the medical appointment:
There’s lots of anxiety. He’s going to touch my feet and he’s going to move my knees around. This is going to hurt physically and emotionally. I wonder if I’ll stay or if I’ll be so numb I can’t feel his hands on me at all.
Will he think I stink?
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