Daily Archive for June 29th, 2009

DREAM: Male Genital Mutilation

In last night’s dream the police were attempting to catch a woman who murdered hundreds of 6 and 7 year old Caucasian boys by cutting off their penis. She gave them chocolate bars to eat and when their faces were full and sweet she killed them and left them on the floor like garbage. She photographed them and sent them to other pedophiles who also like snuff. The police raided a woman’s house and found a folder with a huge collection of these photos. She was held for questioning then accused of killing the boys. I asked the officer what proof he had that she killed them? If she was going to prison I wanted to know what proof there was to send her there. He said, “What proof is there she didn’t do it?”

The photos were graphic, clear and many.

The officer handcuffed the woman and walked her down the hallway to the cruiser where she as to be taken to jail. As we walked I argued with him, “What proof is there that she’d done this?” “What proof is there that she didn’t do it?” Back and forth we went. I argued for her, he argued against her. Our argument was as if we’d both forgotten she was guilty of child pornography and hiding numerous homicides and focused solely on if she’d killed the boys herself. I saw her as innocent because there was no proof she’d killed those boys. The officer saw her as guilty because there was no proof for her innocence or guilt so he chose which one she was.

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Because They Can

Sometimes it feels safer to sit on the floor. I want to turn out the lights, tuck my head and focus solely on my sketchbook. I sketch or paint int he dark a lot but I can’t seem to let myself sit on the floor.  I worry I’ll get lost in my head. I worry as soon as I sit down there I’ll dissociate and retreat inside.  Instead of going in the living room to sketch I just keep clicking next on the Stumble Upon site. I visit about a third of the history, arts and science sites. I’m not bored. I’m anxious and I’m running.

Dr. D said when I run I don’t allow myself to “just be”. He called it mindfulness. I call it opening the flood gates to “just be” attacked by what has me in flight in the first place. I know it would help to process it and stop running so why don’t I do that? Cause it hurts.

My mind goes too fast but not fast enough to get away from itself.

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