Sometimes it feels safer to sit on the floor. I want to turn out the lights, tuck my head and focus solely on my sketchbook. I sketch or paint int he dark a lot but I can’t seem to let myself sit on the floor. I worry I’ll get lost in my head. I worry as soon as I sit down there I’ll dissociate and retreat inside. Instead of going in the living room to sketch I just keep clicking next on the Stumble Upon site. I visit about a third of the history, arts and science sites. I’m not bored. I’m anxious and I’m running.
Dr. D said when I run I don’t allow myself to “just be”. He called it mindfulness. I call it opening the flood gates to “just be” attacked by what has me in flight in the first place. I know it would help to process it and stop running so why don’t I do that? Cause it hurts.
My mind goes too fast but not fast enough to get away from itself.
Yesterday I watched Harper’s Island and cried when two of my favorite characters were killed. While tears streamed down my face I realized it had nothing to do with two made up people killed by some maniac. It was that these two people were in love and they wanted nothing more than to be happy together. Once I realized the man was going to be killed I thought to myself, “they’d better kill her off too cause it would be cruel to leave her alive.” When she died I lost it. I simply lost it. It wasn’t those two people dying that set me off it was the fact that they wanted one thing but that one thing was taken simply because it could be taken. They never got to marry like they wanted to. As a matter of fact the woman watched him stabbed through the heart then tossed over the side of a cliff into the water. It was horrible. She was in shock and clearly broken by the sight. She committed suicide by jumping off the cliff to her death next to his body…. This show isn’t so fun anymore.
That particular scene went from being a silly little slasher film to my deepest belief: you’re not going to get true happiness and you’re not going to get what you need because someone is going to take it from you simply because they can. I was as powerless as those two characters with my life in the hands of a cruel individual. Sometimes it feels like she still has that powerful grip.
fma
Although we don’t come from the same type of background I have trauma in my past that haunts me and sometimes makes me run (as I have been doing lately) and that’s why I rarely watch serious shows anymore. I just can’t. Sometimes I can’t read certain posts on blogs or news articles. Like you said– it hurts. I find as I get older I’m not as strong as I once was and it is harder to fight– it is easier– and far less painful, to just run. I hope by the time you get to be my age you will have conquered all your demons.
Hi Tricia,
There are certain entries I’m able to read on blogs and certain entries I’m not. I think it’s a strong move to make that decision for ourselves. I get what you mean though about not feeling as strong as you were in younger years. I think the fight wears at us and we give out faster. My plan though is not to give out completely. I hope that is your plan as well.
Austin
Well, I’m sure you told Dr. D. that “just being” is easier said than done. I think, though, that you are doing all the right things to increase your chances of having “just being” moments, especially drawing and even writing this blog. I don’t know how much of that you’ve been able to experience, but it is really wonderful to have these moments. Paul.
I’m most present when I draw which is odd because a long time ago I could easily get lost in the art but now I’m present most of the time. At home, when I’m alone, I run the most.