Monthly Archive for June, 2009

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DREAM: An Elephant on My Mattress

Published on June 24, 2009 in Abuse, Dreams and Female Sadist. 1 Comment

DREAM:

A baby elephant was trying to lay on me while I took a nap with my sister on my mother’s mattress. The sister was sleeping but the elephant wanted to play with her. I tried to pet his trunk and distract him from bothering her. I worried he’d become angry and bite her or me. I was quite nervous with him standing over me that way. Then he layed down. My mother got up from the mattress on the floor to take photos of the happenings. The baby elephant then layed down beside me and tried to roll over on me playfully. I thought he was trying to crush me to kill me but the mother assured me he was just playing.

COMMENTARY:

Elephant – To dream of an elephant symbolizes that while you portray yourself as being thick skinned, you are in reality a very sensitive person. It means this as elephants are pachyderms, which means thick-skinned animals. However, though tough, an elephant’s skin is very sensitive and must be cared for.

From the Aisling Dream Dictionary.

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Now That’s Lazy

Published on June 20, 2009 in Soapbox. 9 Comments Tags: .

It’s TV night which means special dessert night as I watch Harper’s Island.  I must have goo while watching soft gore. Because I didn’t want to bake chocolate chip cookies so I could duplicate last weeks dessert I decided I’d go pick up some cookie dough. I was feeling so lazy that I went ahead and got precut dough. I didn’t even feel like slicing it. I wanted precut.  Now that’s lazy.  I figured all I had to do was open the package, pop them on a pan and bake them.  If only it could be that simple. I’ll be danged if Nestle Toll House cookies weren’t recalled yesterday. Now I’m forced to return the item to the store notorious for recalls and actually bake.  Kroger grocery store is forever recalling something. They even started listing on your receipt past purchases that end up on the FDA’s recall list. Now that’s bad.

I wanted dessert and TV not dessert, TV and E. coli.

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Put Away The Pencils

Published on June 19, 2009 in For the Record. 4 Comments

Today I’m going to put away the colored pencils and art supplies, turn off the TV and read a good book. I haven’t decided which book to read yet. I have quite a few to choose from. I don’t think I want a classic, I think I’ll go for something modern, something I’ve read before so I don’t have any major surprises. Today I’m going to start some tea, grab my throw and lose myself in a book.

until again,

Austin

The Coward's Daughter

Published on June 18, 2009 in Abuse, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional abuse, PTSD and Trust. 2 Comments

The Cowards Daughter Original Sketch

My therapist thought this was a sketch of my roommate’s daughter but no, it’s me as a little girl. We talked about how tired she looks and how despite being exhausted she moves forward because she has no choice but to keep going.

The back is twisted and broken from carrying burdens that never belonged to her..to me.

Had he called my mother a coward I’d a flipped. Only when in a good enough space can I call her anything but my owner.

In therapy we talked about how I run all the time. I do a hundred different things during the day but still I feel as if I’ve done nothing at all. I keep moving for fear I’ll catch up with myself. When I was a child I kept moving because I had no choice. As an adult I keep moving because I fear the other choice. Stopping is harder than trudging along.

The other sketches are untitled.

Untitled Selves.Untitled Selves 1 .

fma

A Visit to the Doctor

Published on June 17, 2009 in Abuse and Art Therapy. 2 Comments

At the Doctors Office Original SketchI was scared to death to go because I knew he would want me to hold my hands out so he could examine them. I knew he’d want to check my feet and look at my throat. I vomit a lot, especially when I’m anxious or afraid. I’ve done it since I was a kid which means I have virtually no enamel on my teeth. So anyway, I showed up and got through the first part of the visit then it was time for blood work. My heart was pounding. Needles, argh!!! Part of me wanted to run but I figured I’d look really stupid taking off down the hallway…. oh I so wanted to run. I felt myself go little and tried my best to get back. I got back. The guy who drew my blood got a big thank you cause I didn’t feel a thing, not a tiny stick or anything. He was pretty good. What a relief.

The thing was, I just got finished seeing a guy who looked down my throat, touched my feet and hands (all areas focused on during abuse) then I went to get a needle in my arm. There was so much needle torture as a child that going for even a blood draw is difficult. Yesterday was taxing to say the least.

The first image is a sketch I did about feeling like a big scared kid at the doctor’s office. The original sketch includes a woman hanging from the fringe of the skirt. It shows how anxiety feels like it can kill me and feels like it will cripple me. Not good. The other is an alteration for fun.

Doctors Office Outfit

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During, Before and After

Published on June 16, 2009 in Medical and PTSD. 3 Comments

During my therapy appointment:

We talked about feeling like everything bad that happens to anyone at all is my fault. We talked about how when younger the mother’s happiness was said to depend on my actions alone. It’s not my fault my friend’s mother died Wednesday but somehow I thought it was. Forget that she was 87 years old. My friend’s marriage is in the toilet (different friend) and I thought to myself, my goodness, had she just not befriended me her marriage would still be okay. I thought awhile ago when a friend of mine ended up sick that she should stop talking to me because I’d just depress her and make her sicker. I’m not all powerful I know this, part of me knows this.

Before my therapy appointment I went to sit down in the waiting room. I sat in my normal spot which was two chairs away from a guy. About a minute or so later he got up and left. In my head I heard, he left because you stink.

The longer this house looks the way it does and the more I’m triggered by it the more I revert to the child I use to be.

Before the medical appointment:

There’s lots of anxiety. He’s going to touch my feet and he’s going to move my knees around. This is going to hurt physically and emotionally. I wonder if I’ll stay or if I’ll be so numb I can’t feel his hands on me at all.

Will he think I stink?

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Bad Luck

Published on June 14, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotions and Trust. 0 Comments

Sometimes it feels as if I have a black cloud over my head. It not only rains on me but anyone who stands close to me. I feel like I ruin people’s lives, like I’m bad luck.

bad luck

Art details: The girl with wild green hair is standing in a red field with a blue sky. Growing around her are 3 larger than life flowers. She’s got two heads, one is large with orange colored lips the second is a child’s head inside the mouth of the first head. She’s holding a large sucker. She’s got holes in her hands and feet. There’s a blue sun with a red eye watching her. She’s standing in a rain puddle.

fma