Daily Archive for July 1st, 2009

This was sketched while having a very sad conversation with a friend about love lost.
We concluded that love itself doesn’t hurt but that people take their own pain and strife out on the one’s they love. They complicate a simple thing, make it a complex organism when all it is is a seed waiting for the sun. Give it some water, give it some sun and keep the roots strong. That’s how you grow love.

. .

It should grow and there should be room to breathe.
I do not know this sort of love.

I don’t know the sort of love that carries you through or that you come running home to. I don’t know the sort of love that makes you wonder what on earth you did to deserve it. Nor do I willingly embrace another human being without a heavy heart. I nearly cringe when hugged. The only hug I know is the hug of guilt and shame. That embrace feels normal, that embrace I run to for validation that I am but a filthy waste of flesh. I know that kind of “love” and I do not fear it. It’s normal to me but if you come to me with a pure heart I’ll shrink away in fear, in dread, in pain. A kind hand on my shoulder sends stabs of grief through me like acid in my veins. It weakens my spine, dulls my eyes and makes them heavy until I lower my head.

I do not know the joy of a kind, warm touch.

Any fleeting joy I feel is chased by the promises my mother made. I swear I never want to be the reason for someone elses pain. It’s almost as if I have curse and everything I touch turns to ash. I flee. I keep my distance because I still believe these words:

You’re killing my love for you.
No one can love you like I do. (God I hope not! That would suck!)
You’re the reason I’ll never marry again.
You’ve pushed my family away and I have no friends because of you.
The law says I have to feed you but it doesn’t say what I have to feed you.
One day I’m going to get tired and walk out and never come back.
Stay back! Stay back or I’ll strangle you. I mean it. (as she left her children who begged her to stay)

fma