05 « July « 2009 « The People Behind My Eyes

I want to tell him just like this:

You’re a triflin’ motherfucker. You don’t even try. You can’t tell me you didn’t notice you spilled soup all over the counter. Oh I guess you didn’t fuckin’ realize you left a spoon sitting in a puddle of water and cheese whiz? Somehow you didn’t remember to take a rag and wipe that shit up. You don’t even try. I hate you! I see where your kids get their bullshit. They get it from your triflin’ ass. No wonder we fuckin have mice, you fuckin feed ‘em. This is their own damn restaurant. Why go to unset traps when they can just climb all over shit freely? Stupid, stupid motherfucker. What in the hell is wrong with you? This isn’t normal. Who in the hell lives like this? I mean really? What in the fuck is wrong with you? It’s almost as if you have an aversion to cleanliness. If it’s halfways clean you want nothing to do with it. If it’s filthy, rotten and should be thrown away then by all means it must be coveted. You’re a fuckin’ moron is what you are. A fuckin moron and I hate you. I notice how once I pay my rent you stop doing anything at all around the house. That hasn’t gotten past me. I paid you yesterday and now today we get this bullshit. What the fuck is wrong with you, I mean really? How can you even fuckin’ think when you’re in the kitchen or any part of your area? My gracious.

I just want to scream at him. I want to grab him by the collar and shake him silly.

Continue reading ‘Holding My Tongue’

I’m going to skip an intro paragraph and just jump right into this.

I have issues with people and animals that show fear. During the last week fireworks have exploded around the clock. The cat seems okay with it but Gus is clearly afraid. It seems strange that I’d be angry with my dog for being afraid of something but I am. When he’s afraid he follows me around and sits extra close. He whines and whimpers and even paces. It gets to me. Today I was so angry with him that I had to remove myself from the room just so I wouldn’t yell, “Shut up! You’re fine, now shut up!”

I know he’s just a dog and dogs are afraid of fireworks but I have serious issues with anyone or anything that shows fear, human or animal. When I think of someone afraid I immediately think of my sister. This is where my reaction to fear begins to make a little more sense. First off, I don’t see fear as weakness. I see it as a prelude to my needs being ignored. When my older sister was afraid I immediately became rescuer and caretaker. I talked her through the situation. I took control when she had none. I comforted her, even parented her all while ignoring the fact that I too experienced the very same trauma.

Continue reading ‘The Rescuer and Caretaker’