The Rescuer and Caretaker

I’m going to skip an intro paragraph and just jump right into this.

I have issues with people and animals that show fear. During the last week fireworks have exploded around the clock. The cat seems okay with it but Gus is clearly afraid. It seems strange that I’d be angry with my dog for being afraid of something but I am. When he’s afraid he follows me around and sits extra close. He whines and whimpers and even paces. It gets to me. Today I was so angry with him that I had to remove myself from the room just so I wouldn’t yell, “Shut up! You’re fine, now shut up!”

I know he’s just a dog and dogs are afraid of fireworks but I have serious issues with anyone or anything that shows fear, human or animal. When I think of someone afraid I immediately think of my sister. This is where my reaction to fear begins to make a little more sense. First off, I don’t see fear as weakness. I see it as a prelude to my needs being ignored. When my older sister was afraid I immediately became rescuer and caretaker. I talked her through the situation. I took control when she had none. I comforted her, even parented her all while ignoring the fact that I too experienced the very same trauma.

Now when someone is afraid I immediately feel angry because I think I’m expected to stuff my own fears and rise to the occasion. Tonight when Gus was afraid of the fireworks he was not alone. Loud explosions have gone off for the last week then Friday afternoon while traveling a teenager threw a cherry bomb from his moving vehicle at my tires. There was a brief interlude with the police then I came home to Gus who was freaked out still. Forget the fact that I’m shaking, I need to comfort the dog. I was angry. I just wanted him to leave me alone and not touch me.

When someone shows fear I become so angry that I want to throw things. I’m pissed big time because it’s as if I suddenly no longer exist. It’s as if they flipped a switch that says, “Austin’s needs no longer matter. It’s all about me now.” My grounding is shaken and I’m to fall in line and help the person  gain control again.  For me this is what fear in others brings up. Their fear means I have to go away and become what they need. I fight this with a cry of, “Dammit I matter.  I’m not going to drop everything, ignore what I feel and be there for you. Get your damn self together and stop depending on me for everything.”

I’m attempting to remember the differences in caring for Gus and caretaking my older sister and even my mother. As a child my needs were usually put away, ignored and denied because others came before me. I had no real choices back then. When it comes to Gus the situation is different. I chose to bring him into my life. I took him on as my responsibility so yes, there will be times when his needs come before mine but it doesn’t mean this is like before when my needs didn’t get met at all. There was no give and take back then. I gave and gave. I became what they needed me to be when they needed it.  Sometimes I need to be reminded that my reality has changed.

Both Gus and I are afraid of the fireworks. In order to deal with this we cuddled for a bit then I spent some time alone. No one’s needs were ignored today. I still exist despite being there for my dog. My feelings were not canceled out or nullified.

It’s now 2:15am and it’s finally quiet outside. Gus is sleeping. I’ll follow shortly and reclaim my pillow.  I know he’s on it… the little bugger.

J of A

The Rescuer and Caretaker – Saturday, July 04, 2009 – 10:56PM EST