The Process of Self Injury P1

Have you ever wondered what you get out of behaviors that are considered negative? Have you ever stood back and watched the process of these negative behaviors in order to understand what happens before, during and after? In doing so you may be able to better understand the motivation behind the behaviors as well as little clues into issues that may need to be processed thoroughly with a professional.

There are several behaviors I have where it was  necessary to take a step back and analyze my movements. I paid most attention to the steps that were pivotal and imperative to allow me to reach a desirable outcome. When it comes to cutting I’ve seen a pattern that I’d like to share. Before I do I need to note that this entry is not about the dangers of self harm nor is it meant to tell people they’re bad or wrong for cutting. The entry will not give an opinion on cutting but a more in depth look into my own process which leads to self injury. As you read it consider mapping your own steps before and after behaviors that are considered dangerous or unproductive.

For me, the whole process begins with a trigger. The trigger could be anything from feeling like a failure to fear of abandonment. I can be triggered to self harm if I feel embarrassed, belittled or completely overwhelmed by a problem that feels out of my control.  No matter what the trigger my process for self injury is the same. I’m going to do sort of an outline to show this process.

1. The trigger
2. Anxiety that leads to a plan– my anxiety level goes to an all time high. I can’t deal with the anxiety. It hurts. Obsessive thoughts of self injury take over and I need to calm them. Self harm feels like the best way to end these thoughts. I know I’ve done it before and it worked. All I have to do is cut and all this madness stops.
3. Negative Self Talk - I beat myself up about wanting to cut, burn or scratch my skin.

This step here is important because it leads to the other steps. Beating myself up about wanting to cut lowers my self esteem, tanks it. If I didn’t degrade myself on top of the heavy emotions I already feel from the original trigger I may not be pushed over the edge. Without going over that edge I won’t cut. Negative self talk is important if I’m actually going to pick up that instrument and accomplish what I want to do. In this negative self talk I remind myself of how horrible I am for wanting to cut. I think about how disappointed others will be if they find out. I go on and on and on until I feel like filth. This step of beating and lowering my self esteem leads to justification.

1. Justification – by this time I’m totally overwhelmed by the original trigger as well as thoughts of being a failure and one who disappoints and lets her loved ones down. I have to put a stop to it and the only way I know how is to cut. I tell myself I’ll go ahead and cut then a) deal with the consequences later and b) work harder to never do this again.
2. Rest – There’s a short window between the decision to cut and the actual cutting where I feel peaceful. I’m about to take action. I’m not sitting letting my world spin out of control. I also know I want to do this and there’s satisfaction in being able to do with my body what I want to do and no one can stop me. As I think about this freedom I begin to set up my environment so I can cut.
3. Set the stage: I’m going to do it and then things will be okay but I need to do it without involving anyone else. I make certain no one else is around. I have complete privacy. The dog is outside; the cat is in the other room. My roommates are not home. I’m in the room with the door locked and the lights out. Total and complete privacy is a must or I victimize the other people in the house. (I’ll explain that statement later.)
4. The act of cutting – sometimes it’s just a few long strokes, other times I’m there for an hour, sometimes longer. From time to time it’s an all day thing, on and off until I’m ready to stop.
5. The clean up – I put away whatever I used, wash my hands and arms and go around the house in a daze. The next step is more important than the cutting itself.
6. Guilt and shame – guilt for cutting, guilt and shame for hurting my body, for being sick, for letting myself down this way again, for putting myself through harm even after the abuse has stopped. Guilt and shame for having friends who love me yet I can’t keep myself together and not cut. I go on and on with this guilt until I can’t stand it anymore and am moved to the next step.
7. Reconciliation and Action – At a certain point I tell myself if I don’t want to lose my friends because of my sickness then I’ll have to get better. I can’t do anything about the recent past but I can change the future. I’m going to get better, I tell myself. I’m going to get healthy enough that I don’t need to cut anymore. I’ll forgive myself for what I just did and I’ll get up and change things in my life so it doesn’t happen again. I’m now charged, energized, renewed when before I was either numb or hurting and inactive.

Please see part 2 for an explanation of these steps as well as further comments on my statement in step three.

self injury
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