You shouldn’t ask “Why me?” Instead you should ask, “Why not me?” That sort of reasoning burns me. To suggest that I should not question why things happen to me goes against everything I’ve learned about the importance of self worth. If I consider myself worth something then naturally I’ll question the justification of events in my life. What did I do to deserve this? What great badness did I pursue that warrants tragic events in my life? For many the answer is “I didn’t do anything,” and it would be true. I think it’s true for myself as well. I also think it says a lot about self worth to challenge unjust, painful or unfair life events. I think it’s natural to scream out when in pain and unnatural as well as counter productive to always suck it up and always be strong. With that said I’d like to do drag people through the emotional toll of chronic pain concerning my Fibromyalgia and Lupus. This is also a review of my emotional cycle as discussed in therapy today.
When a flair up starts I get quiet and begin to isolate myself. I don’t want anyone to see me flinch or wrinkle my face because of shooting pains. I’m ashamed of my condition. I don’t want to see sad, sympathetic or empathetic looks. I certainly don’t invite pity. When it first starts my pride is hit and I want to stay away from everyone. As the pain increases depression sets in. I may not recognize it as depression at first but the signs are there. Every act seems like a chore. Everything from taking a shower to eating, talking to people or opening my eyes seems like it takes more effort than I’m willing to offer. The other day I told my therapist that I don’t even feel like getting up to make toast.
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