It’s difficult to explain to children why their pet died, it’s equally as difficult to explain to juvenile alter personalities why their pet died. I remember when our brown mantid died, my child alters were devastated. They were so upset they swore they never wanted any pet other than a dog or cat again. They said this as if death is exclusive to insects and fish. I told them I’d finally get that aquarium we talked about for so long but they protested, “Why, they’re just going to die. What’s the point?” They were angry and hurt and had lots of questions. We ended up going online to review the life cycle of a mantid so they could see it wasn’t anything we did wrong. There’s a life cycle and she finished hers. Information helped a bit but not completely.
After we brought home Bruce the Betta Fish things sort of settled down. Every time we passed his then small bowl they checked to make sure he was still healthy. Later when he got a full size aquarium they checked on him even more. As promised I added more fish to the aquarium. We watch the fish swim around and show their individual personalities. We watched them get bigger and more confident in their environment. The last thing I added to the aquarium was a water frog named Froggy which the little ones take delight in watching. So we went on like this with our aquarium pets, our dog and cat moving further and further from the day my little ones swore off pets.
One of the things about being a singleton (non-multiple) with outside children is you can shield your children from your own grief. If you break down you can do so in a different area. You can pretend your heart isn’t broken and smile, play with them, go about your daily activities and shield them from your heavy heart. As a multiple I can not do that. The tremendous grief I felt after losing my best buddy Captain was felt by them as strongly as I felt it. Imagine your 6 year old child doubled over in adult size grief. Imagine that your twin girls (age 5) are there too, watching, feeling but not understanding why the body is bent over wailing? They felt the full emotional strain of our loss but had no real understanding. Adult size emotion, child size understanding. That’s the difference between having an outside child and an inside child. My inside children do not get the benefit of a shield provided by living in a separate body. The loss of Captain was huge, unspeakably so. Our children, poor things, dealt with their own grief as well as fully felt that of other alters. No shields, no pretending for their sake, no cover. They were there, they saw it and felt it.
When Bella got sick there was an immediate retreat by the little ones. You could have heard the crickets it was so quiet inside. The teens as well as some of the adults decided they weren’t about to deal with this again especially so close to Captain’s one year anniversary of ending his status of Bestest Friend. They shut down and wanted no part of her care or of her. The little ones retreated in fear which left an ill equipped me to take her to the vet. All turned out well for Bella. The only thing that died that day was 100% of my savings. There was grief from that loss but nothing like the emotional fall out had we lost our girl.
How would I have explained Bella’s death to my child alters? How much more grief will their little shoulders carry and how much more sorrow will rest on their hearts? We didn’t have to answer that question the other day, thank God.
Death and grief is hard on anyone who experiences it but I hope these few paragraphs give singleton’s an idea of what it’s like to be the parent of inside children who grieve in their own way but may also feel the grief of other alters as if it were their own.
Austin
Actually it isn’t healthy for adults to hide grief from outside children. It isn’t healthy to burden them, but adults can model how to express and move through grief for their kids. In fact adult sized grief is not proportional to an adult body. Children’s grief is much larger. And an infant’s even more so. The reason is that an adult has so much more cognitive ability and an adult body is much bigger. When a child is gripped by emotion, that is all there is, and the younger the child the more overwhelming it is. So as an adult you can feel your feelings and also use your cognitive abilities and your awareness that there is more than grief to make it tolerable, and pass that knowledge on to the others.
Hi Lilian,
What I meant was to express how overtaken children can be by emotion. My little one’s don’t know what to do with their feelings or mine. I have the ability to reason and lean on coping skills but for them it’s raw emotion they shouldn’t have to carry. I don’t always try to hide stuff from them. I guess what I was saying is this is another instance where they are not shielded by having a separate body. It isn’t just their emotions they’re attempting to manage, they’re attempting to hold mine too. That’s a bit too much to ask of them.
I don’t think it’s healthy to always hide strong emotion from children but that is what people do. They hide their strongest emotions (from adults and children)and go on as if they’re doing just fine. In my system I can’t do that because what I feel is what my little one’s feel.
Just like with outside kids, my insiders ask questions like, “Where did my dog go when he died?”
Grief is a job none of us signed up for. Grief can deplete inner resources faster than a wild fire can destroy the country side.
Austin
Hi Austin,
I knew what you meant. I go through it as well. Emotions are like energy that travels back and forth between us, on the air, when we are sharing with one another.
Good and healing thoughts to yous.
Kate