Soooooo, while not blogging for a tad bit there I was taking care of my kitty cat who has a kidney and bladder infection. She ended up having bladder stones and needed to go on antibiotics. The poor kitty has been in a cage (large cage) for a week now. I had to change her food to canned for the next month to encourage water production. It seems the food I purchased wasn’t quality and may have caused crystals as well as other issues in her bladder. There was a tad bit of bleeding, lots of straining and a heck of a lot of yelping. After a day and a half of not urinating at all we took her in to the vet and got her seen. My poor little one. I hope she starts to feel better quickly. I’m not use to the quiet Bella. I’m use to her complaining about everything, going after Gus’ tail whenever the opportunity presents itself AND sitting by the window passing out idle threats to birds and squirrels. I can just hear her, “If I ever get out there you’re mine.” Once she’s outside she’s like, “Oh God help me. I’m outside!” She rushes back in and hides. Idle threats is all they are. She’s a house cat, no doubt about it.
Monthly Archive for July, 2009
Page 2 of 5
Have you ever wondered what you get out of behaviors that are considered negative? Have you ever stood back and watched the process of these negative behaviors in order to understand what happens before, during and after? In doing so you may be able to better understand the motivation behind the behaviors as well as little clues into issues that may need to be processed thoroughly with a professional.
There are several behaviors I have where it was necessary to take a step back and analyze my movements. I paid most attention to the steps that were pivotal and imperative to allow me to reach a desirable outcome. When it comes to cutting I’ve seen a pattern that I’d like to share. Before I do I need to note that this entry is not about the dangers of self harm nor is it meant to tell people they’re bad or wrong for cutting. The entry will not give an opinion on cutting but a more in depth look into my own process which leads to self injury. As you read it consider mapping your own steps before and after behaviors that are considered dangerous or unproductive.
For me, the whole process begins with a trigger. The trigger could be anything from feeling like a failure to fear of abandonment. I can be triggered to self harm if I feel embarrassed, belittled or completely overwhelmed by a problem that feels out of my control. No matter what the trigger my process for self injury is the same. I’m going to do sort of an outline to show this process.
- The trigger
- Anxiety that leads to a plan– my anxiety level goes to an all time high. I can’t deal with the anxiety. It hurts. Obsessive thoughts of self injury take over and I need to calm them. Self harm feels like the best way to end these thoughts. I know I’ve done it before and it worked. All I have to do is cut and all this madness stops.
- Negative Self Talk - I beat myself up about wanting to cut, burn or scratch my skin.
This step here is important because it leads to the other steps. Beating myself up about wanting to cut lowers my self esteem, tanks it. If I didn’t degrade myself on top of the heavy emotions I already feel from the original trigger I may not be pushed over the edge. Without going over that edge I won’t cut. Negative self talk is important if I’m actually going to pick up that instrument and accomplish what I want to do. In this negative self talk I remind myself of how horrible I am for wanting to cut. I think about how disappointed others will be if they find out. I go on and on and on until I feel like filth. This step of beating and lowering my self esteem leads to justification. Continue reading ‘The Process of Self Injury P1′
Here’s what I’ve learned from observing my own process described in Part One.
Right off I noticed how much self talk is involved. I give myself the speech about how worthless I am in order to feel bad enough to cut. This negative self talk is important because without I’m not in the proper mindset to drag something sharp across my skin.
After it’s all said and done I give myself a pep talk and offer myself kindness in the form of forgiveness. All the self talk I do, for or against motivates my actions. This tells me I have the ability to influence my behavior based on what I tell myself about myself.
The long and short of it is this, I set up an environment of false control where I have control over breaking myself, shaming myself, showing myself compassion for my plight which leads to a self injury rescue, all to end with forgiveness and a plan to be a person worthy of my friends. I feel control over it all from start to finish.
Let me please address the issue of cutting alone for fear of victimizing others. Continue reading ‘The Process of Self Injury Pt 2′
Dr. D: This one is kind of hard to look at.
Me: I drew it this morning just before I came here.
Dr. D: Can you tell me about it?
Me: I felt fragile, uneasy, disturbed by my dreams.
Dr. D: It’s rather disturbing, hard to look at. The faces blend together like that and the eyes… it’s disturbing.
Me: Thank you.
Dr. D: huh?
Me: No, really, thank you.
Art title: Miserable Transitions
Art by: F. Magdalene Austin
So this is my plan. I’ll sleep a little more, get up and eat, sleep a little more, watch Changeling on DVD, sleep, maybe sleep a tad bit more and if I’m up to it I’ll sleep again.
Austin – still somewhat sleepy thanks to Ambien
I’m not surprised I have a fibro flair up right now. I was on the verge of one before Bratty Fife had the fridge blocked a few days ago. I think the added stress kind of pushed me over the edge. So here I am pretty much knocked on my butt by pain and fatigue, only I can’t sleep. I wake up way too early.
I go around the house limping and Fife looks at me like I’m out of my mind. What happened to you he says. I have one of those stress related illnesses that’s all in my head. The problem is, it’s moved to my neck, down my back, into my hips, my knees and right down to my feet.
This morning at 10am I called my friend and sang to her, “Good morning to you, good morning to you.” I even used phrases like “happy sunshine” and “what a wonderful day.” I knew very well she’d been up until late because she and her mother went to see a midnight movie. This chick tells me all the time she thinks about calling at 8am to tell me it’s morning and I should wake up. I figured I’d go through with her evil offering and call with the most chipper voice possible. I hung up all happy with myself then I thought, Oh I should call this other chick and sing to her. I realized it was 7am her time and decided against it. I made an oops call to her at 7:30 one morning because I forgot about the time difference. Twice in a few months at dark thirty might not be appreciated. She might not see the humor in my evil play. See how thoughtful I am and how I put others before myself? Mother Teresa, I am.
J of A
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