Dr. D,
I fear I’ll walk into therapy, take what feels like forever to sit down and you’ll roll your eyes and sigh, “Here we go again.”
I worry you’ll think I’m harping on being in pain. I worry you’ll tire of hearing it because there’s nothing you can do or say to make it stop. At least with emotional issues you can offer clinical skills and hopefully down the line we’ll be able to make use of them. But I fear when I tell you I hurt so much I can’t think that you’ll sigh with impatience and say I’m maybe causing this myself. I fear you’ll tell me I’m avoiding. I fear you’ll tell me that Lupus and Fibro are my body’s way of telling me I’m avoiding my issues. I worry you buy into, even in a small way, the idea that these two illnesses prove I’ve internalized my mother. When you said there are some school of thoughts along those lines I hoped beyond hope didn’t go to that school. If you didn’t then why would you bring that up? Did you bring it up to let me know you didn’t buy into it and you hoped I didn’t either? I’m confused. I’m worried and scared you’ll think this is all psychosomatic and not as bad as I say it is.
Also, I worry my current physical condition will be seen as a hamper to my therapy. I worry about this because if I switch all over the place then we don’t get to finish our conversation and I think that frustrates you. When I’m in this kind of pain we don’t go over much and don’t really work on a lot. I feel guilty about that. I feel badly when I walk into your office and say very little but truthfully, it feels good to be there. Even if I’m not saying much it feels safe to be there. I can sit there and let my guard down and not act like I feel just fine. I know the kind of therapy we’re doing twice a week is talk therapy but sometimes when I can’t do as much it’s quite helpful to simply be there in my safe spot.
One huge step I’ve taken is that I actually allow you to see me in pain and don’t stay home and hide from you. You’ve seen me flinch and wince more than once which isn’t something I allow others to see. I may not say a lot during sessions where I’m really hurting but being in your office with my guard down, without 100% hiding pain like I did as a child is quite a big deal. It is my hope that you can see that.
Please don’t say that you can’t help me and that I’m better off with someone else. I worry about that. It may be another month before I’m able to process the way I was before. I figure you’ve got the ability to wait a month but what if it’s longer and what happens the next flair up? Will you be willing to wait again and again? Will you be okay with our therapeutic flow being interrupted by dissociation as well as physical pain?
Faith
Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 2:20PM EST
Lupus & Fibro are both VERY REAL. If I felt my doc wasn’t believing the physical pain I was in, I’d bring in information about those conditions in order to educate them. Even if that’s really not how he feels, but is merely the impression you’re receiving…address it.
Hi,
I wanted to say that I’m glad that you have this safe place and sorry that you are worried and concerned about it remaining in your life. I hope that you can talk to your therapist about this and if not, I hope that he is able to allay your valid fears.
I wanted to say something about psychosomatic. Yes I agree that both of the issues you are dealing with are real diseases and they are not something someone can think themselves out of. I also wanted to say that people in our society often use the term psychsomatic in an abusive manner. They act like it is all in your head and so you can stop it all, just by wanting to and that is over and done with, and you are healed. Psychosomatic does not work that way and it is another way that as a society and as a group we invalidate those who are in real pain. A psychosomatic issue is contributed in a large measure by the emotional issue being converted intoa physical or body issue. However that does not mean it is all in your head, that only means it was a contributing factor. Healing is not about being positive and saying affirmations. The whole body is involved and as many survivors know and experience, myself included, body pain adn health issues are not just one thing and easily curable.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
I have the last two entries printed off to take in to therapy with me tomorrow.
Thanks you guys.
Faith
oh we know that rolling the eyes toward the heavens moment, but im sure your therapist doesnt do that even if we might percieve they do, inwardly not outwardly
I’m glad you are printing these off to take with you. That is a huge step. I hope he will consider it an honor to receive the information and treat it as such.