It feels odd that I’m about to turn 38 years old. I think I expected to have a hard time this year because last year I was a tad bit depressed, but not so much this year. I don’t feel the dread I felt last year or shame for living. I don’t want to curse God for allowing me to survive nor am I overly grateful that he did. I guess I’m just saying at this point I don’t have the same feelings I did surrounding my birthday. I still don’t celebrate it (for religious reasons) but at this point I don’t loath this date or feel foolish for having the nerve to be alive.
One thing I find interesting as I approach 40 is that despite the age of my body we usually feel young at heart. I know my body itself feels old and tired but I think there’s a youthfulness to us connected to our alters. We only two alters inside over the age of thirty-five. The one that is out most (me, Joan of Arc) is and has always been 28 years old. Maureen and Robert are nineteen. Renea is nine years old. They spend a lot of time forward as do the twins who are 5 years old. With these changes I have an idea of what it’s like to be a teenage girl, a teenage boy, and a child. I know what it feels like when a 35 year old male is forward but I don’t know what it feels like to be a 38 year old woman.
We shift back and forth quite a bit. When Robert is out he dresses, walks and talks like a teenage boy. When Morton is out he looks and dresses like a 35 year old man. Thank goodness the children don’t dress us or we’d really look foolish. When I dress us I think I dress us younger than my age and closer to Maureen’s age. The point is we don’t look our age or feel our age and we shift back and forth through out the day with no real grasp of what it’s like in the here and now as a thirty-eight year old woman.
I wonder if I’ll ever know what it’s like to be present at the age my body is. I’m not sure and I probably shouldn’t think about it too hard for fear of depressing myself which would ruin a pretty good day. It was another good day, one I refuse to analyze or think of possible consequences for being happy. It just is. I just am.
I’m 35, 28, 19, 9 and 5. Today I’m okay with that.
Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride
Thirty-Eight In This Body – Monday, August 24, 2009 – 12:39AM EST
I think the nicest thing about growing old is that despite your body aging, you generally find yourself more accustom to being in your own skin and find comfort in it. When I was 18, I had a lot of hang ups. At 33 much less so…it’s a great feeling!
More comfortable, less hang ups. I can go for that.
This is one of the nicest parts about DID and something not to take lightly. You may find “100 Years” from “Five for Fighting” to be appropriate for you at this time. Happy belated birthday!
I really like Five For Fighting. I have that song and a few others by them on my iPod.