In therapy Wednesday Dr. D and I talked about the entry where I wrote a letter to my biological father expressing feelings of abandonment and rejection. We talked about my questions concerning how much sexual abuse would have taken place had he stayed. I then dismissed that statement because my mother had two boyfriends the entire time I was growing up, it’s just that she preferred her two daughters.
We talked about how my mother made sure we didn’t see him and how she taunted us with it. One time at a restaurant she told us to keep looking at her and listen to her. She wanted to distract my sister and myself with idle chit chat. Then she stopped and said, “That was your father that just walked by.” She giggled as we broke our necks to get a glimpse of him. (I hope you choke on your chicken, I thought.)
Dr. D wanted to know what it would be like if I took my father up on his offer to have a relationship. I was rather blunt with my answer. It would be odd to sit across from a man who knows I too slept with his wife, I being his daughter. Could he even look me in the eye if he found out? Would he blame me? Would he call it rape or would he just be so disgusted he couldn’t even look at me?
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