I Don’t Want To

I want to take a break from therapy. I don’t want to go back on Monday. Maybe, I don’t know. I have to go tomorrow though.

I want my head to stop and I’m afraid. In my head I hear, “No, stop!” I feel crazy.

For a long time I felt like crying but couldn’t get one tear to come out. Now little people and older ones pop out and sob uncontrollably. I feel badly for the two people that have seen me do it.

I appreciate moments of clear thinking. Anymore they are few and far between. There’s too much talking, too much fear, too much.

I should sleep.

I want to know where Joan is. I want her to come back out. Destiny is going to get us in trouble. God!!! That’s no good. It’s just not good.

My head isn’t right. One minute I like the dog the next I can’t stand him or the cat. One minute the house is spotless the next it looks like a tornado hit it. This itching is unreal. Monday after therapy I slept hard. Gus stayed beside me the whole time. He couldn’t get close enough. Sometimes when he walks near me I think, “God, don’t touch me.” I hear in my head, “Don’t touch me.” There’s such anger behind it. Don’t touch me! I move away like somehow anything that touches me, the cat or the dog will make me melt into a pile of filth. He’s going to hate you if you keep pushing him away.

I’m afraid and I want this to stop.