Monday, September 21, 2009 – 9:18PM EST
I wasn’t sure Dr. D was going to let me go home but once we got Maureen out we were able to walk out of there without being a ball of tears.
I’ve got to figure out how to get Joan back out. It’s been way too difficult. It’s been too long.
Today is my mother’s birthday.
The whole month of September was spent talking about how much she was tired of us and how I’d killed her love for me. She brought out the silver box with a lock on it which reportedly contained the papers to sign us away for good. In her words, the family would celebrate the occasion by traveling down to Knightstown were we’d be left at the orphanage gate. The whole family went down in the RV to what turned out to be some sort of yearly celebration for alumni and a dance for graduating seniors. We stayed for three days each year which meant I got to know several of the girls there. I always wished she’d leave us like she promised she would.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 – 12:58AM EST
Today in therapy my three year old came out and asked Dr. D what he wanted her to do. She thought she was there to serve him. She kept waiting for him to get up and put it in her mouth. Since he didn’t she said to him, “I don’t know what you want me to do.” We are confused about him saying she didn’t have to do anything for him. Didn’t have to. Does that mean she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to but if she doesn’t want to he won’t like her anymore? It’s confusing. She doesn’t have to do anything for me. What does that mean? I’m not sure what it means. You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. I know that statement too well.
It’s been difficult to remember where we are which freaks us out. Amy Smiles (5) and Milwaukee (12) have been out quite a bit too. I myself have been quite scarce which is a problem because when the little ones are out too long they get frightened and disoriented. It seems when they get stuck out there’s a greater distance between them and me so it’s harder for me to get back.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 – 5:48AM EST
I feel strange and exhausted. I can feel Amy Smiles really close. She pops out for just a few seconds then goes back in. Man I’m tired. Therapy was exhausting. I hope I didn’t make him as tired as I made myself.
Me – or someone like me
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