I would love to be a mother but I fear passing down whatever it is in my bloodline that makes us all sadistic. My great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mother and her sisters all have a sexually sadistic side to them the likes of which I’ve never heard of in one single family. I asked my therapist if ever Jeffery Dohmer had a child would that child have homicidal tendencies or be a sexual sadist. He said the kid would more than likely be okay. He said that sadism isn’t passed down genetically but still I worry about it because I know I have a sadistic side of my own. I told him even if I can’t pass sadism to my child I’d still like to see my bloodline die out.
He wanted to know when I become sadistic and under what circumstances. I told him I have to feel emotionally threatened or vulnerable to become sadistic and want to mentally fuck someone. In general my eye contact is pretty bad but when in sadistic mode I look them dead in the eye and watch them squirm. This brought us to the fact that when my mother raped me she couldn’t climax unless she knew for sure I was in pain. She looked me dead in the eye the whole time. When I’m doing my little mind fuck I do the same thing. I look them dead in the eye and watch their body language. Which buttons were pushed and when, which one was most effective and do they know I’m doing this purposely? I didn’t look my mother in the eye much at all. The servant/ property doesn’t look the master/owner in the eye. The only time I make good eye contact and keep it is when I’m in a position of false control. (see links below on identifying with the aggressor. )
Notably dogs don’t make continued eye contact with the alpha pack leader. Direct eye contact is considered a challenge that they more than likely will not win. My mother not only said we were dogs but treated us like one and kept a dog collar on us at times. We were made to sleep outside because dogs didn’t sleep in the house. At times we ate on the floor because dogs didn’t eat at the dinner table. We were dogs who did not make prolonged eye contact with their alpha. To this day I don’t make good eye contact unless I have a false sense of control through mental manipulation.
I understand that no one wants to feel powerless or controlled. I understand why I do what I do. I will not attempt to justify it, I’ll just say I have an understanding and a resume full of experience as an apprentice of a sadist. My grandmother taught my mother and my mother taught me. It was a family thing really. The uncle had parties where my cousin was passed around not for sex but to be beaten. My brother was the entertainment for physical abuse at a family gathering. My mother was cheered on as she punched me in the face and stomach at a family gathering. Pain was a family affair and was enjoyed to the fullest extent against the law. What they did to us and to animals was usually done alcohol and drug free. It was systematic and ritualistic, a family tradition of sorts.
Maybe sadism isn’t in our blood but we do have enough blood on our hands to justify our line dying out.
Identifying with the Aggressor
Here are a few articles with definitions to explain what, when and how identifying with the aggressor takes place. You might be surprised to see the average individual when violated may turn to this type of identification.
BNET offers a nice detailed article which exclusively discusses the subject. Identification with the aggressor: how crime victims often cope with trauma.
New Living Magazine has written an article touching on it and other survivor subjects Why We Continue to Abuse Ourselves and Others.
Daughter of A Sadistic Mother – Wednesday, September 30, 2009 – 6:03PM EST
I hardly know what to say to all this. The most striking statement you made (no, not the most striking, more like the only thing I feel competent to comment on) was wanting your bloodline to die out. I know you have good reason to feel what you feel; I’m not judging that.
But it’s sad, you know? Just so sad.
hey there,
I am with you on this. My paternal grandfather was a sociopath. I have very strong antisocial tendencies. They’re under control and working with the rest of me these days, but I have no desire to pass on the genes, especially since sociopathy/psychopathy IS in fact genetic it would seem.
I can tell I’m two steps removed from original evil but I don’t intend to be taking any chances. I make up for it by working with kids and helping them right now. I take out my antisocial stuff in physical activity and playing music.
I don’t think it’s true that no one wants to be powerless and controlled. Some people do. I don’t judge them but I don’t let myself play into their deal. Too risky and not what I, the real me, want.
yours,
wily
Sometimes I write stuff on my blog, like today, that I fear will cause people to turn and run. I write it not because I want people to turn and run but because I want people to know the secret mind of a survivor. I want them to know if they have ever thought along these lines they are not crazy or alone. The things I’ve thought are actually pretty common for survivors of abuse. While it’s not comfortable to think these things it is at least reassuring that the processes are a “natural” occurrence when victimized to an extreme. When I find out I’ve responded as other have it reminds me that I’m like everyone else. I’m not the odd woman out. I’m not a freak. I respond as other human beings have. That to me is validating. For crying out loud, to feel normal is a great relief when all my life growing up I felt like a total freak.
Thanks for your comments guys.
Faith
Hi Faith,
“I told him even if I can’t pass sadism to my child I’d still like to see my bloodline die out.”
Me too. Unfortunately I have siblings who did not feel the same way. There were many times as a child that I felt such rage and revenge for those who abused me. So I can relate to what you are saying, more than I can say.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
This post was hard to read. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write, but trying to imagine living your life is more than I can do. I admire your strength and your honesty. I am just at a loss for words.
Thinking of you and sending you love and healing thoughts.
Kate
Being a sadist doesn’t necessarily turn you into a sociopath.
If you work at it and accept it as a part of yourself then you can find a healthy outlet for your sadism.
“a healthy outlet for your sadism?”
therapy