Monthly Archive for September, 2009

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I Don’t Want To

Published on September 22, 2009 in Therapy. 5 Comments

I want to take a break from therapy. I don’t want to go back on Monday. Maybe, I don’t know. I have to go tomorrow though.

I want my head to stop and I’m afraid. In my head I hear, “No, stop!” I feel crazy.

For a long time I felt like crying but couldn’t get one tear to come out. Now little people and older ones pop out and sob uncontrollably. I feel badly for the two people that have seen me do it.

I appreciate moments of clear thinking. Anymore they are few and far between. There’s too much talking, too much fear, too much.

Continue reading ‘I Don’t Want To’

Silver Box

Published on September 22, 2009 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

Monday, September 21, 2009 – 9:18PM EST
I wasn’t sure Dr. D was going to let me go home but once we got Maureen out we were able to walk out of there without being a ball of tears.
I’ve got to figure out how to get Joan back out. It’s been way too difficult. It’s been too long.

Today is my mother’s birthday.

The whole month of September was spent talking about how much she was tired of us and how I’d killed her love for me. She brought out the silver box with a lock on it which reportedly contained the papers to sign us away for good. In her words, the family would celebrate the occasion by traveling down to Knightstown were we’d be left at the orphanage gate. The whole family went down in the RV to what turned out to be some sort of yearly celebration for alumni and a dance for graduating seniors. We stayed for three days each year which meant I got to know several of the girls there. I always wished she’d leave us like she promised she would.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009 – 12:58AM EST
Continue reading ‘Silver Box’

Your Fears Erased

Published on September 20, 2009 in For the Record and Therapy. 17 Comments Tags: .

I ran across this photograph today and was immediately taken by it. The concept is without a doubt powerful and provocative so I thought I’d use it in an entry. Some of the words and phrases that appear several times are: failure, no hope, dying alone and unloved.

If you stood in front of this board what would  you write? Here’s your chance. There’s one piece of chalk left and it’s your turn to write down your fear. Continue reading ‘Your Fears Erased’

Cessation Diary

Published on September 20, 2009 in Art, For the Record and Medical. 0 Comments

I’m still out here. Today is day 6 of not smoking. My brain felt fried the first two days. It was fried but I wasn’t anxious like yesterday and today. In order to deal with it I kept my hands busy and doodled. I am not paperless. I didn’t have that much anyway but after making it through the last two days I’m paperless. More on that later.

My basic symptoms are fatigue , frustration, restlessness, anxiety, irritability, problems with concentration, stomach pain, nausea, chills. The hardest ones to deal with are restlessness and anxiety.

In general the craving for nicotine cycles every 40 min with severe cravings lasting only 5 min. I’ve felt the strongest cravings in the last two days which made 5 min feel like 5 hours. It has helped to set the clock to let me know when my body is going to settle down and figure out it’s not going to get any smoke. If I can make it through five minutes then I’m okay.

Continue reading ‘Cessation Diary’

Your Face

Published on September 17, 2009 in Depression. 2 Comments

I’ve drawn your face a thousand times. Are you someone I use to know or someone I use to be? I know I know you, but I can’t recall your name.

http://www.sundrip.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Drawn-One-Thousand-Times.jpg

I’ve drawn you with different skin tones and different colored eyes but always the same lips. You always look off to nowhere. I’ve drawn your hair short, black, long, red, brown, curly and sometimes bald. I’ve stretched your nose just a little but mostly kept it the same. Notebook after notebook your face is sketched with big, wide, sad eyes and a question surely ready to spill from your lips, “When will you figure out who I am?”

Emotions:
Deep sadness, barely manageable rage, anxiety

medium: pencil and watercolor with a soft digital filter
art by: fma

Bad Head

Published on September 17, 2009 in Depression, Mental Health and Therapy. 5 Comments

My head isn’t right and I know it. I’ve been switching all over the place and two specific little ones have cried and cried for days. Sometimes they’re out and the body just sobs. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted but I’m not ready to go in the hospital yet. I’ll put it off as long as I can guarantee my safety. If I can’t I’ll go in, as of right now I can. Even still arrangements to care for Gus and Bella have been made. In case I do end up going in both my critters will be well cared for and looked after by Birdie.

I’m keeping in contact with my therapist. I’m doing stuff I’m supposed to do….sleeping, eating, going outside, practicing good coping skills, etc, etc but my head isn’t right. I only have moments of clarity or shall I say sanity. Other times it literally feels as if I’ve lost my mind.

It’s September, how on earth could I have forgotten that? WOW!!! No wonder I’m jacked up. Argh! My therapist and I have been trying to figure out what’s got this very little one so messed up and why we spend so much of our time sobbing or wanting to die. Sheshhhh……it’s September! Argh!!!! It doesn’t make it feel any better knowing this may be the main reason I’m so jacked up but it at least gives me a bit of info.

Faith

On The Verge

Published on September 13, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

I’m on the verge of tears, on the verge of throwing things, on the verge of vomiting, of falling asleep. This line is too thin and it scares me to death.

I think what frightens me most is how little control I feel I have over myself. Yesterday I embarrassed the crap out of myself when a friend came over. During the visit the same little one who is having such difficulties was frightened by something and began crying hysterically. She went to the corner of the room and just wept. It took the vast majority of the day for me to get grounded. I don’t like when people see me crumble.

Continue reading ‘On The Verge’