Monthly Archive for September, 2009

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Gabriella

Published on September 12, 2009 in Humor and Pets. 2 Comments Tags: .

Black cat photo profile.

Gabriella by you.My Beautiful Gabber (Gabriella) a 9 pound kitty but holds 100x her weight in attitude.  Today this three year old little monster decided to use some of her attitude on Gus when he tried to rush her at the water bowl. Usually Gus will wait until she’s finished then drink but I guess he was a tad irritated that she took extra time. Gabriella (Bella) stuck his nose and hissed at him but seeing as how Gus is an alpha male he decided to growl back. He growled but walked away. Then he growled again so Bella, without looking up from the bowl, hissed right back at him. Alpha male or not Gus knows when to throw in the towel. After Bella took her own sweet time drinking what looked like one drop at a time she slowly walked away from the bowl allowing Gus to slurp and splash water as he pleased.

It’s Gus’ water bowl but Bella owns it…and him.

fma

I Am, I Can

Published on September 11, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Letters Home, Mental Health, Relationships and Stupid People. 4 Comments

Dr. D says I have been more reactive to the Fife’s lately. I agreed. They seem to really get under my skin in a huge way.  They get to me so much so that I have to remind myself of a few things:

I don’t have to show them how to set better boundaries.
I don’t have to teach them better communication skills or show them how to use an “I” message.
I am not required to rush in and show them the error of their ungrateful ways. That is simply not my job.
I don’t have to accept the crap they give me by reacting or over reacting to their stupidity.
I don’t need to be the voice of reason or the calm one nor the unapproachable one.
I can be me in every way instead of fulfilling a role in this dysfunctional family.
Continue reading ‘I Am, I Can’

There’s Never A Good Time

Published on September 9, 2009 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Medical and Mental Health. 5 Comments

Therapy thoughts and review for 9/9/09

Yesterday morning I talked to Dr. D on the phone then went to see my psychiatrist. I usually don’t work well with women providers but it seems this one will work out fine. I’ve had one other female provider that I worked well with but most often my issues get in the way. This one, however, seems to not trigger me so much.

The first time we talked she wanted me to try Chantix but I told her I was worried about the side effect that might cause me to be suicidal as well as increase nightmares. I was willing to deal with more nightmares for a 12 week period and even willing to watch the more serious side effect closely but after yesterday’s appointment she didn’t feel safe giving it to me. I’m now taking Wellbutrin to help quit smoking. I’ve got one week to continue puffing away then after that I’m to stop. I’ve taken Wellbutrin before to quit and it worked well but I got stressed and started up again. I at least know it does work for me in this way so I’m in a positive frame of mind that I can do this again.

I was pleased that no one has asked me if this is a good time to quit smoking. In my life when will there ever be a good time? Life is tumultuous, chaotic at best which means there really isn’t a good time to stop. Now is as good a time as any so I went ahead and started the Wellbutrin today.

Continue reading ‘There’s Never A Good Time’

Permission

Published on September 9, 2009 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Poetry. 0 Comments

I don’t need permission.
I don’t need the okay, a nod of approval saying to let go
Cut and cut lose.
I do not need a hand on my shoulder, holding it, grasping the corners of my arm
To flip me around and stand eye to eye.
I don’t need you to remind me that your love will wash all this away.
I remember, you promised this yesterday
But still I yearn for the release of skin and blade.

I am not driven by lust as lust goes.
I have no need for danger or to feel like I’m alive.
I know with each beat of my heart I live, horrified and battered, yes I live.
There is no joy found in devastating once smooth virgin skin and
No pleasure born of perversion as I lay down my mind and prepare to ravage my soul
In hopes of saving what remains of my shell before I lose it all to a fear greater than your disappointment, your disapproval.

You tighten the loving gaze in my eyes
I know what you’re thinking
You can fix this if you love completely, purely.
If you stand a little closer, dedicate every waking moment to my fights
Love with more than an abstract idea of what I need
And force my dreams to only lay claim on my night
Sparing sanity from long listless days.
I know what you’re thinking; you thought it yesterday and many times more
With the same conclusion as if destiny would change.
Still you seem stunned when pleading leads to manipulation
As my hand lays claim on razors and blades and
Strokes fueled by control re-open half healed wounds.
I know what you’re thinking, why aren’t YOU enough?

My breath is held captive when clutched in your bear hug arms
As I wait for permission to no longer need your permission to hold or push
To scream, talk or be silent.
To pull back or fall upon your neck and fill your ears with why
Why I’d ever place hope in steel’s sting
As I search for the vein that leads to yesterday
To spill its burdens before it claims my today.
How can I ever explain?

Arrow of Morton’s Pride
2/27/07

Oh Ma Lord Ma Prayers Have Been Answered

Published on September 8, 2009 in For the Record and Humor. 9 Comments

In about a week this house will go digital with Wi Fi as well as dish TV. I’m about to get ESPN y’all. I may not be heard from for days, perhaps weeks depending on what the season is. Golf, tennis and soccer season may mean this blog sits idle. I’ll have to shut my sales sites down during major events so prepare yourselves for that. My goodness, my prayers have been answered. While some pray for cash, others for cars or boats I wanted ESPN. Heck yeah!!! Earlier today when I was told about this blessing I smiled so hard I nearly hurt-ma-self.

Just when you think the world is caving in around you ESPN comes along. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! This works out well for me but maybe not so much for Bella and Gus. I hope I don’t forget to feed them days on end. Gus may waste to a meager five pounds and Bella may be a skinny one pound cat before I move. Oh well, we must all take the good with the bad. Great for me, maybe not so much for the critters.

……… if I disappear for days y’all know what happened. I’m in front of the TV in a stupor. … I just don’t’ know what to do with myself…. don’t’ know what to do. I can’t stop smiling. My face hurts….

Faith – thrilled beyond belief

Carnival

Published on September 8, 2009 in Abuse, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dehumanize, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and PTSD. 0 Comments

Don’t make a circus show for them. They like this anyway, don’t give them a show.

Carnival .I Cry

Carnival, They’re laughing at you.

fma

This is Gross

Published on September 7, 2009 in Medical. 3 Comments

I know this is gross so if you have a weak stomach then pass this entry up.

I’ve been waiting around all day to be able to toss my cookies. I can feel it but it’s not happening. Argh! I’d rather do it and get it over with than sit around nauseous all day long. My mouth waters really hard just before so at least I have a tiny heads up….about 3 seconds. I have two doctor appointments tomorrow. I’d like to be able to sleep the entire night without being constantly interrupted but I may not get that. Grrrrrr!!!

Faith