Monthly Archive for October, 2009

Dr. D Therapeutic Performance Evaluation

Published on October 30, 2009 in Mental Health and Therapy. 4 Comments

Dr D. Evaluation

For treatment of Faith-Magdalene Austin

Evaluations such as this have been given to the last 6 therapists because I want them to know my observations concerning the professional relationship. This evaluation will discuss your strong points, helpful techniques you’ve given and assess participation in my sessions. I will then end with commentary on various topics. As with past therapist evaluations this document will appear on my blog without your name or any identifiable information. The evaluation given to the therapist before you can be found here.

CHARACTER STRENGTHS and PERSONAL ASSISTANCE

  • You’re approachable and non-threatening
  • You have a mild manner which works well for me.
  • You’re flexible, not rigid.
  • You have good focus on the subject at hand.
  • I appreciate that you are willing to call me on behaviors. This lets me process out the situation and see why I did what I did. I can trace my steps, review perceptions and feelings as well as look at which borderline behavior I fell back on. I’ve been able to use this personal insight in non-therapeutic settings.
  • You have assisted me with questioning old tapes such as being a jinx and a horrible person. In doing so I’m able to draw a thicker line between the past and present.
  • I better understand the importance of talking instead of depending primarily on expressing myself in written form.
  • You let me cry and I don’t feel ashamed when I do.
  • You’ve gone out of your way to make sure I feel safe in your office. This fact has not gone unnoticed.
  • As frightening as it is to admit, I feel as if you believe me.

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My Physical and Emotional Stumble

Published on October 29, 2009 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Medical and Mental Health. 2 Comments

I keep forgetting what day it is. All day I thought it was Friday but it’s not, it’s Thursday. This means I missed my favorite show. I got to watch CSI Vegas but half way through it I thought to myself, I should start getting myself ready for therapy tomorrow. I don’t have therapy again until Monday.

When I realized I’d missed my show I felt angry but also felt like I wanted to cry. It wasn’t that I missed my show (I can watch the full episode on the net) it was that I feel so out of it. This morning Junior came to my door and asked me a question. I could hardly form a sentence. I just told him to come back later because I couldn’t think straight right then.

I have to make this appointment on Friday because when I have to see a specialist. In addition to sore muscles they fear I’ve done something to my spine and nerves in my left leg. I have an MRI Friday  that I’d really like to make. I wonder though if my head is in good enough shape to do it though. Part of me wants to reschedule it while part of me says to go on and do get it over with. It’s just sort of difficult to keep my head straight and remember what day it is and what I’m supposed to be doing.

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The Convent- My Search for Knowledge

Published on October 28, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

Honorable by F. Magdalene AustinIn therapy today we talked about the fall and how when I grabbed the curtains it snapped the rod in half. I’d forgotten the curtain rod up there was actually a dowel rod with carved end pieces and not a metal rod. When I saw it on the floor I left it there because I didn’t want to touch it. It’s thickness was the type my mother preferred to use on our hands and our back. I didn’t want to touch it but I knew if I left it there any longer someone would get hurt. The cat might play with it or the dog so I went ahead and picked it up. I mentioned to Dr. D that for quite a while my mother wasn’t the only one beating the palms of my hands. I did after all go to Catholic school as a child. The nuns were cruel in that they pulled students by their ears, by their pinched shoulder or smacked the palms of our hands with a ruler.

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Envirascape Water Fountain

Published on October 26, 2009 in For the Record. 6 Comments

I saved a buck so I could go to Disabled American Veterans, the best second hand store in the world. Guess what I got for one dollar today? I got a brand new Homedics Envirascape water fountain that was still wrapped in the original plastic with the original tape in the well cared for box. One buck! Score! I love dollar day at DAV.


What does DAV have in store for me next Monday? I can’t wait. It’s like treasure hunting with a buck.
J of A

Unresolved Trauma

Published on October 26, 2009 in Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 3 Comments Tags: .

Common Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma

Anxiety
A simple yes will do. Anxiety is a daily occurrence for me.

Panic attacks.
I don’t have  panic attacks very often. See avoidance behaviors for why.

Intrusive thoughts, flashbacks.
These are very disturbing for me. Sometimes my thoughts are so intrusive it feels like mental torture. It’s almost as if flashbacks and these thoughts are taunting me. They play again and again until I literally want to cut them out of my head. Of this list here intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are the most disturbing symptom of unresolved trauma. I struggle with this 4 or 5 times per week. By the grace of God it’s not daily.

Shame
On most levels I feel shame and like I’m a lost cause. I feel some level of shame daily. See avoidance.

Exaggerated emotions
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About Last Night

Published on October 26, 2009 in Medical and Mental Health. 2 Comments

Last night’s fall was pretty bad.  I’ll need to go in and see my doctor which may end up being at the same time as my therapy appointment. I hope to somehow schedule them on different days. I know doing them both in one day won’t work for me.

My knees and ankles give out all the time but hardly ever do I hit the floor. I can at least catch myself or steady myself with the cane but last night I hit the floor. I even ripped the curtains off the rod and snapped the rod in half.  I hit the trash can going down and smacked my head on the wall. Damn! I wish I’d gotten it on film cause I know I was flailing around.  That was one award winning fall…… And the winner of the best fall of the year goes to Austin of Sundrip Journals. The crowd cheers. I go to accept my award but Kanye West interrupts with “That old lady on that commercial had a better fall because she couldn’t get up.” ………I laugh now but at the time there was nothing funny about it.  I knew very well I was hurt but I wasn’t sure to what extent.

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Broken Boxer Syndrome

Published on October 24, 2009 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

Having me back, up front and center has its drawbacks. Yes, I’m out to handle our finances and I’m out to manage daily things but I’m also here with detailed recollection of our dreams. This is something the others don’t have. While reviewing blog entries we’ve written over the last 2 months I’ve seen very few entries detailing our dreams. I figure it’s because when it comes to remembering our nightmares I also fill that job.

Sometimes it amazes me how divided we are. I told Dr. D that I have no idea how to even go about teaching the others to do my job. I also have no idea what I’d do if I were given Morton’s job or even Destiny’s job. It’s as if my mind goes blank and I shut down. It’s the same for them. It almost feels as if we are programmed a certain way and we are incapable of working contrary to that program. Destiny does what she does with no questions. Morton does what he does. I do what I do and that’s that. No questions asked. But toss us in a situation where we have to pick up where another alter left off and we’re thrown, confused, inactive.

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