Screw It!

To not have Joan around has truly fucked us up. I WILL be smoking again. I’ve fucked up royally and I’m not even going to attempt to stay smoke free. We need that girl around. I’ve totally fucked myself financially twice now because she hasn’t been around to do her normal stuff. The financial fuck up today is the very last straw. Screw this!!!! Totally fucking screw this. I have no idea how long it’s been since we quit because we didn’t write it down but I do know her absence has caused a major, major problem for us and it just gets worse and worse. The only way we know to keep her around is with a cigarette. We don’t know how else to do this. Addiction and craving isn’t an issue it’s not being able to get Joan out and keep her out long enough to handle major stuff like paying bills or taking us to the store. This is totally fucked up!!!!!

Without Joan it’s like starting life over, like learning how to walk again…with someone elses legs. She handles our everyday stuff. The girl is our host for a reason. Then of course there are friends and stuff. Half of the people Joan knows we don’t know so we look at emails and struggle. We don’t want to be offensive and we don’t want to seem cold or distant but we just don’t know what to say.  Joan knows them, not me. This is totally fucked up and I don’t want to do this anymore. The girl is our host for a fucking reason and they keep my ass in the back for a reason.  I can’t do this bullshit. So fuck this, smoke free is over. Fuck this!!!!! We have screwed ourselves over for the very last time. I’m over it!!! We need Joan back, that’s the bottom line.

I screwed myself over the bed too. I gave that woman the wrong phone number. I gave her the number I had before the damn phone was cut off so I screwed myself over the bed thing too cause I can’t keep my fucking head on straight. I’m so over this!!!!!! She gave it away to someone else because she couldn’t contact me. I’m done. I’m so fucking done.

Destiny