Splitting

I went to therapy today but I simply didn’t feel like working on anything.  I just didn’t want to. He asked me why I felt everything bad that happens to friends is my fault but I told him I didn’t want to get into it. He asked me why I felt I somehow caused bad things to happen to even him but again I told him I didn’t want to get into it. I just needed a safe place to sit today but I didn’t want to do much work. We talked about art experiments and a few other low stress things then I got up and left. That was all I was up to today. After the last few weeks I’ve had I didn’t want …. couldn’t do a heavy session. I didn’t have it in me.

By Monday I need to process out a few subjects. I have to think about why it is I *split when it comes to people my age but give more grace to those older than myself. I split when it comes to Fife Junior but not as much with his father. I mean I do but not as much with older people than those closer to my age. Dr. D would like to discuss this further. I also need to process the issue I’m having with wanting to protect my mother as well as feeling as if I’m way too old to be in therapy dealing with childhood stuff. I feel stupid saying stuff like, “My mother doesn’t love me” or “I still feel like a little girl trying to get everything right. I do it because I’m still trying to please my mother and be a good girl.” For crying out loud I’m a grown woman. When is it just silly instead of healing to talk about this stuff? Right now I’m in the get over it frame of mind.

I’ve got several days to process this. Tonight I’m just going to light my candles, sit on the loveseat with Gus and Bella and drool as I watch reality TV. Even when those people clearly would benefit from extensive, in depth psychoanalysis combined with strong psychotropics I sometimes prefer their reality to mine. I want to yell to Survivor contestants, “You don’t know what a storm is ya sissy.” or  “Quit crying about the rain ya Nancy boy. You don’t know what hard times are!” My favorite is, “Quit complaining about the food and eat that damn roasted island rat like your life depends on it.”  Reality TV is a nice release and a great distraction from real life.

So, the longer I type the more mind numbing television I miss. Gotta run so I can sit and drool.

J of A

Definition of splitting: *Splitting can be explained as thinking purely in extremes (e.g., good versus bad, powerful versus defenseless, and so on). Splitting can be seen as a developmental stage and as a defense mechanism.