24 « October « 2009 « The People Behind My Eyes

Having me back, up front and center has its drawbacks. Yes, I’m out to handle our finances and I’m out to manage daily things but I’m also here with detailed recollection of our dreams. This is something the others don’t have. While reviewing blog entries we’ve written over the last 2 months I’ve seen very few entries detailing our dreams. I figure it’s because when it comes to remembering our nightmares I also fill that job.

Sometimes it amazes me how divided we are. I told Dr. D that I have no idea how to even go about teaching the others to do my job. I also have no idea what I’d do if I were given Morton’s job or even Destiny’s job. It’s as if my mind goes blank and I shut down. It’s the same for them. It almost feels as if we are programmed a certain way and we are incapable of working contrary to that program. Destiny does what she does with no questions. Morton does what he does. I do what I do and that’s that. No questions asked. But toss us in a situation where we have to pick up where another alter left off and we’re thrown, confused, inactive.

Continue reading ‘Broken Boxer Syndrome’

(This will appear as rambling. I just need to type up my personal notes about what I’ve been reading. I don’t mind comments on my notes.)

I have a very difficult time distinguishing or drawing a line between myself and objects or even people. I use to say I lost myself and became confused as to if I was the object or person or if I was still me. I called it losing myself. I may have been splitting. I lose myself when I see some African-American dolls. I have a hard time keeping things straight in my head. Am I still me or am I the doll?

I have a hard time reading books about little girls who are black because I lose myself. I can no longer tell if I’m me or if I’m the person in the book. This may or may not be splitting. These are just thoughts that have come up while reading more on the subject of splitting. I do know this behavior to be dissociation but I’m uncertain if it is also part of splitting as it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder.

I also ran across a few helpful links with a quick discussion of splitting as it relates to BPD. They also talked about how shame is a major part of this symptom.

Continue reading ‘Notes on Splitting’