Having me back, up front and center has its drawbacks. Yes, I’m out to handle our finances and I’m out to manage daily things but I’m also here with detailed recollection of our dreams. This is something the others don’t have. While reviewing blog entries we’ve written over the last 2 months I’ve seen very few entries detailing our dreams. I figure it’s because when it comes to remembering our nightmares I also fill that job.
Sometimes it amazes me how divided we are. I told Dr. D that I have no idea how to even go about teaching the others to do my job. I also have no idea what I’d do if I were given Morton’s job or even Destiny’s job. It’s as if my mind goes blank and I shut down. It’s the same for them. It almost feels as if we are programmed a certain way and we are incapable of working contrary to that program. Destiny does what she does with no questions. Morton does what he does. I do what I do and that’s that. No questions asked. But toss us in a situation where we have to pick up where another alter left off and we’re thrown, confused, inactive.
This reminds me of my sister who was so afraid to act for fear of doing something wrong that she had to be told step by step how to do new tasks. One time the mother wanted her to gather some things and put them in a trash bag. My sister got the bag and stood over the pile motionless. She wanted to do exactly as she was told with no deviations. She didn’t want to do more or less. Struck by fear she just stood there. Her mind was blank; she didn’t know what to do. This new task before her went against her daily requirements so she simply shut down. There was fear and certainly a flood of thoughts which resulted in overload. I do this to this too. My head goes blank, it just goes blank. I have a feeling the others inside become just as debilitated in their thinking when they are asked to manage the job of another alter. So here I am. I’m back in the saddle. I’m up front and center taking care of the things we need, doing my job…and dreaming.
From the moment I wake I know I have no choice but to go to sleep again. It feels like I’m tossed into a boxing ring where I dodge punches from flashbacks, ugly memories, shame, fear and un-resolved issues. It’s as if I’m constantly getting punched in the head. For my own sense of pride I duck and even punch back but I know in my heart I’ll eventually be forced to throw in the towel, lay down my pride and declare my past the winner. I’ve got to go to sleep, no if, ands or buts about it. I have no choice. This angers me too. After all this fighting, stuffing, avoiding or even addressing things head on the bottom line is I have no choice but to sleep. It feels like betrayal because I know as soon as I lay down the ultimate fight begins. I’m going to dream in vivid color and strict detail. Nightmares are going to punch and punch and punch until they don’t feel like doing it anymore.
Managing these nightmares is why I throw myself into therapy. The symptoms can be managed and I know it it’s just that I want them all gone now! This is totally exhausting but to not work on my PTSD symptoms makes no sense to me. I will not always feel like a broken boxer who has thrown in the towel then climbed under the covers for yet another beating. I refuse to always feel this way.
J of A
Broken Boxer Syndrome-Saturday, October 24, 2009, 11:13PM EST
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