Notes on Splitting

(This will appear as rambling. I just need to type up my personal notes about what I’ve been reading. I don’t mind comments on my notes.)

I have a very difficult time distinguishing or drawing a line between myself and objects or even people. I use to say I lost myself and became confused as to if I was the object or person or if I was still me. I called it losing myself. I may have been splitting. I lose myself when I see some African-American dolls. I have a hard time keeping things straight in my head. Am I still me or am I the doll?

I have a hard time reading books about little girls who are black because I lose myself. I can no longer tell if I’m me or if I’m the person in the book. This may or may not be splitting. These are just thoughts that have come up while reading more on the subject of splitting. I do know this behavior to be dissociation but I’m uncertain if it is also part of splitting as it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder.

I also ran across a few helpful links with a quick discussion of splitting as it relates to BPD. They also talked about how shame is a major part of this symptom.

I need to get a hold of this book. Self-Management Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder — A Therapist-Guided Approach by Michael H. Langley, Ph.D. Check Amazon.com here. I need to snatch one of these next month. Sections of particular interest: splitting and shame. Go here for a discussion of the book. On his site he used the phrase Multiple Borderline Personality Disorder. He was dead on. I may dissociate like nobody’s business and I have DID but it seems a lot of my issues are borderline related. … borderline and PTSD related. All these stupid letters make me hate the alphabet. DID, BPD, PTSD, …..FU alphabet.

Another good way to explain splitting: “Splitting can be explained as thinking purely in extremes, e.g. good versus bad, powerful versus defenseless and so on.”

This sentence right here speaks volumes to me. Both are from the wiki.
“Splitting creates instability in relationships, because one person can be viewed as either all good or all bad at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies needs or frustrates them.”

This reminds me of how my mother would say that until my slate was clean I was still guilty and in need of punishment. After my slate was clean she would not remember what I’d done. She always referred to her abuse as her cleaning off my slate. She wanted me to start with a clean slate. The dirty slate, I was bad. A clean slate and I was good with no mention of the wrong that marked me previously. The scripture about God putting off our sins as far as the sunrise is from the sunset comes to mind. Once He forgives us he doesn’t keep track of those transgressions. They’re forgotten. My mother said the same thing about my “slate” with her. (makes me shutter.)

I am also reminded of how irritated I get with my roommate for being disgusting. It seems easy enough to wipe off the counter. From there I go off on a tangent about how much of a slob he is and how he doesn’t care about anything or me. If he puts his bowl in the dishwasher instead of leaving it dirty on the counter I’m suddenly all warm inside and convinced he’s a total sweetheart. For just a little bit I think he’s the most wonderful person alive. Unfortunately the above example is true. I really do go from one extreme to the other based on if he is clean or not. No matter what he’s done before the placement of the bowl I don’t care about it. I’m happy he made the gesture to put his bowl up. I begin to see this act as a testament to my self worth. He put the bowl in the right place because he knows it pleases me and he didn’t want to be filthy and cause upset.

My sense of self is based on his actions. I don’t know if that is splitting but I sure as hell know it’s borderline.

After reading I feel so god damned sad. Dr. D and I will discuss this further on Monday.

Saturday, October 24, 2009, midnight EST