In therapy today we talked about the fall and how when I grabbed the curtains it snapped the rod in half. I’d forgotten the curtain rod up there was actually a dowel rod with carved end pieces and not a metal rod. When I saw it on the floor I left it there because I didn’t want to touch it. It’s thickness was the type my mother preferred to use on our hands and our back. I didn’t want to touch it but I knew if I left it there any longer someone would get hurt. The cat might play with it or the dog so I went ahead and picked it up. I mentioned to Dr. D that for quite a while my mother wasn’t the only one beating the palms of my hands. I did after all go to Catholic school as a child. The nuns were cruel in that they pulled students by their ears, by their pinched shoulder or smacked the palms of our hands with a ruler.
Dr. D asked me if I was able to get close to any of the nuns. I told him I’ve never met a nice nun in my entire life yet as a child I strongly considered becoming one. I always new I wanted to be a Chef but the only other thing I wanted to be was a nun. He asked me why and I told him I liked the idea of that kind of devotion. I liked the idea of deep study on a subject matter that I love. I wanted to sit in their libraries and read until I fell over. I liked the idea of how disciplined one must be in order to fulfill the requirements of becoming a nun. The nuns I met through the years may have been mean but it was my opinion that they squandered a gift and beautiful opportunity. I blamed them not the calling itself.
We talked about how much I liked the idea of a convent because of the lack of distractions. I could throw myself into my studies and purposes. He said in a leading way, “It seems as if it would be safe from the world.” I told him I knew what he was getting at but some people, despite being abused, have a deep spiritual hunger and want to learn as much as they can about their Creator as well as servants who came before them. Yes, some see it as a sanctuary and a place to run away from the “real world” but others may see it as the place where real life starts. I saw it that way.
So what prevented me from trying to become a nun? In addition to becoming a Chef there was time and unforeseen occurrences which prevented it. Besides my circumstances I thought I was a bit too dirty and broken even for God.
The Convent- My Search for Knowledge-Wednesday, October 28, 2009-6:39PM EST
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