My Physical and Emotional Stumble

I keep forgetting what day it is. All day I thought it was Friday but it’s not, it’s Thursday. This means I missed my favorite show. I got to watch CSI Vegas but half way through it I thought to myself, I should start getting myself ready for therapy tomorrow. I don’t have therapy again until Monday.

When I realized I’d missed my show I felt angry but also felt like I wanted to cry. It wasn’t that I missed my show (I can watch the full episode on the net) it was that I feel so out of it. This morning Junior came to my door and asked me a question. I could hardly form a sentence. I just told him to come back later because I couldn’t think straight right then.

I have to make this appointment on Friday because when I have to see a specialist. In addition to sore muscles they fear I’ve done something to my spine and nerves in my left leg. I have an MRI Friday  that I’d really like to make. I wonder though if my head is in good enough shape to do it though. Part of me wants to reschedule it while part of me says to go on and do get it over with. It’s just sort of difficult to keep my head straight and remember what day it is and what I’m supposed to be doing.

That fall was a major, major trigger because of the dowel rod that got broken when I grabbed the curtains. I was down on my hands and knees with a dowel rod in front of my eyes. Someone inside said to me, “Are you okay?” I immediately answered, “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m fine.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m good.” We don’t usually communicate like that unless there’s a major, major trigger. I think being in that position with a dowel rod sent Adam our Caretaker up front to see if there was anything he could do. I realized at that point the fall hurt physically but also emotionally.

I think I just convinced myself that I need to reschedule this appointment. There is no way I can do another exam where the person touches my hand palm up or adjusts my legs when I get into the MRI machine. I will reschedule because this needs to be done but not until I’ve had a therapy session to process it and ask for tips to stay grounded.

When I go to my second home, Hobby Lobby, I pass dowel rods all the time with very little difficulty. I don’t touch them but I’ve stood beside the lot of them as I chose small pieces of wood for a sculpture I was making. I had no real issues. But I touched this one. It snapped and I looked dead at it splintered the way it was when my mother broke them across my back or broke them on the palms of my hands. Same thickness, same snap only a different day. I need to talk to my therapist about how to keep myself in today during the very necessary doctor’s appointment.

Me