Monthly Archive for October, 2009

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Notes on Splitting

Published on October 24, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy. 0 Comments

(This will appear as rambling. I just need to type up my personal notes about what I’ve been reading. I don’t mind comments on my notes.)

I have a very difficult time distinguishing or drawing a line between myself and objects or even people. I use to say I lost myself and became confused as to if I was the object or person or if I was still me. I called it losing myself. I may have been splitting. I lose myself when I see some African-American dolls. I have a hard time keeping things straight in my head. Am I still me or am I the doll?

I have a hard time reading books about little girls who are black because I lose myself. I can no longer tell if I’m me or if I’m the person in the book. This may or may not be splitting. These are just thoughts that have come up while reading more on the subject of splitting. I do know this behavior to be dissociation but I’m uncertain if it is also part of splitting as it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder.

I also ran across a few helpful links with a quick discussion of splitting as it relates to BPD. They also talked about how shame is a major part of this symptom.

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Splitting

Published on October 21, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder. 2 Comments Tags: .

I went to therapy today but I simply didn’t feel like working on anything.  I just didn’t want to. He asked me why I felt everything bad that happens to friends is my fault but I told him I didn’t want to get into it. He asked me why I felt I somehow caused bad things to happen to even him but again I told him I didn’t want to get into it. I just needed a safe place to sit today but I didn’t want to do much work. We talked about art experiments and a few other low stress things then I got up and left. That was all I was up to today. After the last few weeks I’ve had I didn’t want …. couldn’t do a heavy session. I didn’t have it in me.

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Snowball Effect

Published on October 20, 2009 in Relationships and Soapbox. 2 Comments

When it rains it pours. One rolling snowball can turn into an avalanche…. we know all the sayings, and every single one of them took place over the last two weeks.

The car situation is finally under control. The breaks went out and it took a month and a half before I could get them fixed. The very day they were fixed I got a flat tire. Two weeks later, on the very day the tire was fixed my front light went out. That got fixed the next day. I wasn’t stupid enough to get behind the wheel. The car has been sitting there pretty much untouched after the light was fixed.

I jacked my checking account up but didn’t know it until Friday when it was too late to do anything about it. Monday morning before therapy I ran to the bank and gave them all my money. When I got home I realized two things 1) my website was down and 2) I hadn’t called my cab to pick me up for my therapy appointment which was in one hour. I called and set it up. He got here and had great news for me. He told me about some banker guy that says he can’t live off of 10 million dollars a year. Damn! Really??? Try about 7,500 a year then get back to me with a real problem. Thanks for further annoying me.

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Errors

Published on October 19, 2009 in For the Record. Closed

There are errors on the main part of my dot com which may at some point begin to cause issues with this area.  I just wanted to send a heads up if it does. At this time the art area is down.

A Little Step

Published on October 19, 2009 in Art, For the Record and Humor. 0 Comments

I refused to have another day like Friday and Saturday so I took to my sketch diary and mocked my lack of artistic inspiration. Here’s one piece from the series. This is me sitting in my undies at the table waiting for some ray of inspiration to pierce the darkness. It never did. See the rest of the series on my art blog.

http://www.sundrip.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Inspiration-.jpg

Just for the record, I don’t paint in my under things nor do I sit around in them. I also don’t own a purple chair. It’s only for this one drawing that I decided I’d pose half dressed while sitting on tacky furniture.

After the sketches I felt a bit better. I did some cleaning, a bit of laundry and ate a spaghetti dinner. It’s been a quiet and uneventful day which is exactly what I needed. Tomorrow I’ll show up at the bank and try to get everything sorted out and corrected then I’ll head off to therapy. Whatever happens happens but today I’m not worrying about it. I can’t change this so there’s no reason to fret and raise my blood pressure over it. It is what it is, period.

That’s all for now,

Me

Bent

Published on October 18, 2009 in Soapbox. 0 Comments

I refuse to stress myself. I do. I refuse to get all bent out of shape over stuff I cannot control.

Screw It!

Published on October 17, 2009 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Soapbox. 1 Comment

To not have Joan around has truly fucked us up. I WILL be smoking again. I’ve fucked up royally and I’m not even going to attempt to stay smoke free. We need that girl around. I’ve totally fucked myself financially twice now because she hasn’t been around to do her normal stuff. The financial fuck up today is the very last straw. Screw this!!!! Totally fucking screw this. I have no idea how long it’s been since we quit because we didn’t write it down but I do know her absence has caused a major, major problem for us and it just gets worse and worse. The only way we know to keep her around is with a cigarette. We don’t know how else to do this. Addiction and craving isn’t an issue it’s not being able to get Joan out and keep her out long enough to handle major stuff like paying bills or taking us to the store. This is totally fucked up!!!!!

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