Time to Let Go

I was told two days ago, “I made a conscious decision not to worry about you.” I guess I wonder how a person comes to that decision. I wonder why it’s so easy to throw friendship away. This is the second time this has happened. There’s a close friendship then nothing. I hear how things will change but they don’t. This time when I was told that she made a conscious decision to not worry about me my heart sank. For a long time I’ve grieved this friendship but I think with this statement it’s time to let it go. I know she’s got a lot going on but I thought we were friends. One thing I need to remember is that she never promised me forever, but it would have been nice had she considered me worth that kind of time. I’m not going to keep hoping and worrying about her, not when she made a conscious decision to put me out of her mind. Still I wonder, how does one go about deciding who to let go and who to concern themselves with. On what do they base their process of elimination? It feels like I’m always on the elimination list. It feels that way.

The last time we spoke her world was upside down so when I hadn’t heard from her for three weeks I began to consider she’d taken her life. I thought she’d finally done it and that was why she hadn’t returned my 3 phone calls (one per week). To find out it was because she put me out of her mind says to me she never considered how I felt about her personal safety or her situation. So after three weeks of my worrying I hear she put me out of her mind. I have a hard time grasping that. I suppose if this were the first time this particular person did this it would be easier to swallow but it’s not. It’s almost as if I have to beg for a phone call or for contact then this last time to hear her say that simply breaks my heart. This tells me that for her I am expendable. Any self respecting person would refuse to beg or chase false friendship.

I refuse to beg or chase.

I figure when she’s home alone for a few days and scared to be by herself she’ll call me. When there’s no one else around she’ll call me. It’s like being on reserve. It’s like taking bread crumbs. I don’t like bread crumbs or left overs. I just don’t.

How does a 7 to 8 year friendship come down to this? I don’t understand.

Time to Let Go – Wednesday, November 04, 2009 – 10:14PM EST