Daily Archive for November 9th, 2009

Profile of a Sadistic Woman Pt 1of2

Published on November 9, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

I didn’t want to watch the Jaycee Dugard story on MSNBC but I was too lazy to get up and change the channel. Am I really that lazy sometimes? Yeah, I am. Once I listened to a radio station for a few hours because changing it took too much effort. I was depressed so something as simple as changing the channel or the radio station seemed like a huge task. I wasn’t willing to take on either.

I didn’t want to watch the show because sometimes I feel the pain of others too deeply. At that moment I wasn’t sure if I could watch this child’s life evolve with a man not fit to live . I feared I’d fall deeper into my depression. It was that very depression that left me immobile on the sofa, unwilling to extend energy to change the channel. Had I even the slightest bit of emotional energy to change it, I may not have learned what I did about myself and my situation. For this reason I’m happy I watched the show.

One thing I noticed right off was how many times she was almost rescued, almost saved from this man. I noticed the blunders and foils and saw many instances where “what if” would fit. But primarily I saw a man whose actions strikingly resembled that of my mother. As the reporter went on to discuss how he kept Jaycee under control I began to note the things my mother and the man had in common.

  1. She had us live in filth.
  2. She changed my name at will.
  3. No one came inside the house.
  4. Isolation.
  5. She described in graphic detail what she was going to do to us.

Continue reading ‘Profile of a Sadistic Woman Pt 1of2′

Profile of a Sadistic Woman Pt 2-2

Published on November 9, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

Once I realized how similarly my abuser and Jaycee’s abuser operated it got me to thinking about how un-special  these people really are. They aren’t one in a million, they’re not gods the way they set themselves up to be. As a matter of fact their so called skill set is shared by other degenerates. What I learned is that my mother has company; she’s not in a class of her own. She doesn’t stand out as different. If she doesn’t stand out as different then she’s not all powerful, she’s not unstoppable. She’s not the 5 foot 11 immortal being I saw her as. As a matter of fact she’s just like every pedophile and predator out there. Watching Jaycee’s story helped knock my mother down a notch. If there’s someone else out there that behaved similar to my mother then my mother is not in a class all her own and unable to be reckoned with. She’s nothing special.

I use the word special meaning she’s not smarter than the others nor did she use a different “skill set” to control and dominate. She did exactly what other sadists did which lumps her in with them. She does not stand alone. I can’t begin to explain the depth of that realization and how empowering it is to know it.

Continue reading ‘Profile of a Sadistic Woman Pt 2-2′

DREAM: Hand In Glove

Published on November 9, 2009 in Dreams, Grief Sadness Loss, PTSD and Therapy. 2 Comments

I  stitched a white hand and left each finger open at the top. I then wrote on each finger my needs and fear and thoughts. Unlike other plush things I’ve created I didn’t stuff the hand I just left it limp – powerless. I left the fingers floppy – powerless. I left the fingers open on the ends so that it became impossible to grasp and keep a hold of anything at all. I gave the unfinished hand to my mother.

Concrete City

Published on November 9, 2009 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fear, PTSD and Secrets and Confessions. 0 Comments

Concrete city, dark, chaotic, unwelcoming. On paper it looks pretty but would you really want to walk in it alone?

Concrete City

My head has its own community, its own chaotic, lost community. Sometimes we appear to be just fine but that’s only from people who have never walked alone, down the streets of my mind.

Medium: Oil pastel, ink on paper