I didn’t want to watch the Jaycee Dugard story on MSNBC but I was too lazy to get up and change the channel. Am I really that lazy sometimes? Yeah, I am. Once I listened to a radio station for a few hours because changing it took too much effort. I was depressed so something as simple as changing the channel or the radio station seemed like a huge task. I wasn’t willing to take on either.
I didn’t want to watch the show because sometimes I feel the pain of others too deeply. At that moment I wasn’t sure if I could watch this child’s life evolve with a man not fit to live . I feared I’d fall deeper into my depression. It was that very depression that left me immobile on the sofa, unwilling to extend energy to change the channel. Had I even the slightest bit of emotional energy to change it, I may not have learned what I did about myself and my situation. For this reason I’m happy I watched the show.
One thing I noticed right off was how many times she was almost rescued, almost saved from this man. I noticed the blunders and foils and saw many instances where “what if” would fit. But primarily I saw a man whose actions strikingly resembled that of my mother. As the reporter went on to discuss how he kept Jaycee under control I began to note the things my mother and the man had in common.
- She had us live in filth.
- She changed my name at will.
- No one came inside the house.
- Isolation.
- She described in graphic detail what she was going to do to us.
Also of interest to me was that after years of abusing her he became blatant in his behaviors. He was so confident he wouldn’t get caught that he even contacted the FBI as well at attempted to set up a rally of some sort at the University of California at Berkley. A lady came to his door concerning child protection so he took it upon himself to offer insight into the mind of a predator. The lady had no idea what kind of man she was talking to. This “in your face” activity and “I can’t get caught” mind set is something my mother did as well.
In the fourth grade I began to have behavioral problems in school and was told I needed to go to therapy. The mother let me go unsupervised. Dr. D asked if the mother feared she’d get caught. No, I don’t think she was afraid she’d get caught, I think she was cock sure of herself and figured her children would respond exactly as taught. It wasn’t that my sister or I gained her trust. I believe she was confident that her conditioning, (the instillation of fear and shame) were enough to keep her children “loyal” to their owner. I don’t believe for a second that we gained her trust. I think she let us go because she trusted in her ability to destroy autonomy.
The mother didn’t even have to worry that we’d give too much information or answer a question with too much detail. She gave us prepared answers to anything from the color of her hair to food, clothing, money, religion, and anything else under the sun. I was even educated on how to answer a question with a question. Even if I hadn’t been given my words I don’t think I would have revealed too much because for one I blocked a lot and partly because I didn’t know how bad it was. Had I not been given answers I might have sat there like a bump on a log unsure of what to say. Not until high school did I become aware that what the mother was doing is considered a crime. Nineteen years after high school I understand very well that she was wrong but even as I type there’s a twinge of shame and fear that I’ve been disloyal by saying these many things publicly.
Joan of Arc
Part 2 is here.
Profile of a Sadistic Woman – Monday, November 09, 2009 – 5:37PM EST
0 Responses to “Profile of a Sadistic Woman Pt 1of2”