Once I realized how similarly my abuser and Jaycee’s abuser operated it got me to thinking about how un-special these people really are. They aren’t one in a million, they’re not gods the way they set themselves up to be. As a matter of fact their so called skill set is shared by other degenerates. What I learned is that my mother has company; she’s not in a class of her own. She doesn’t stand out as different. If she doesn’t stand out as different then she’s not all powerful, she’s not unstoppable. She’s not the 5 foot 11 immortal being I saw her as. As a matter of fact she’s just like every pedophile and predator out there. Watching Jaycee’s story helped knock my mother down a notch. If there’s someone else out there that behaved similar to my mother then my mother is not in a class all her own and unable to be reckoned with. She’s nothing special.
I use the word special meaning she’s not smarter than the others nor did she use a different “skill set” to control and dominate. She did exactly what other sadists did which lumps her in with them. She does not stand alone. I can’t begin to explain the depth of that realization and how empowering it is to know it.
Another empowering moment was that I could see in many instances how I responded to my mother is exactly how other victims responded to their abuser. This means I’m not alone. I’m not as different as I felt all those years growing up. There are so many others who were dominated and controlled who struggle the way I did and do. When I see stories like Jaycee’s or Shawn Hornbeck, Elizabeth Smart and Steven Stayner I see part of myself and I see my mother. To me this means my story isn’t so unbelievable that people will turn away and cast me off as a liar.
Knowing these stories helps to answer questions like:
Why didn’t I leave when there were plenty of opportunities to do so?
Because I was taught the consequences of doing so. Because I was totally dependent on the abuser. Because I didn’t believe I could survive without her. These are very human thoughts and a very human response to that crisis situation.
When in a public place why did I behave as if everything was okay?
Because I didn’t realize anything was out of order. Because I was taught how to behave in public.
Why didn’t I fight more?
Because like other human beings I’m susceptible to fear and pain. Because I saw harm done to others and knew what she was capable of. Because less pain is better than more. Because I was afraid. Because I became numb to it at times. Because I wanted very much to live through it. If I’d fought she could have killed me. I wanted to live.
When we see other survivors who responded the same as we did it helps to answer key questions and lets us see that we, just like them, had control taken out of our hands. And we, just like other survivors responded in a very human way in order to stay alive.
Joan of Arc
Profile of a Sadistic Woman Part One is here.
Profile of a Sadistic Woman 2 – Monday, November 09, 2009- 6:41PM EST
Yes, you are right. Your mother is nothing special. Yes, you are right. Yes, you are right. You are not different than other survivors who have gone through this kind of abuse. I can relate to what you share. Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
My ex-best friends entire family is like this. Just as mellow and drab to everyone in the neighborhood and completely psychotic. It took a bad decision for her to free herself from the situation and years and years or therapy but the damage was done. I’d like to give a happy ending to this but all I can say is:the cycle was continued.
Many blessings and strength to you.
This is both a post of sadness and relief. Sadness because our abusers are so prevalent. But relief that I’m not the only one who suffered. There is some comfort in knowing I’m not alone – but also sadness. If that makes sense.
Abusers abuse because they can. Not because they were given some kind of special gift in life. They tend to be petty narcissists who take advantage of the situations they find themselves in.
How could we have responded differently to “abuse” when we didn’t know it was abuse? If you raise a dog in a cage its whole life the cage is normal. The day someone opens the cage and takes the dog out is only the beginning of understanding a whole lot of other shit about life.
Love you,
wily