This is from the dream about my sister and the rapper guy who turned into a girl. I say the dream was about my sister because one of the things that stuck out for me was that I felt she again failed to act to protect herself or me. She wasn’t there for me. I realize how let down and even cheated I feel by not having her even attempt to be the stereotypical big sister. In my heart I know she just didn’t have it in her but there’s another part of me that is angry and resentful of the fact that it was the youngest in the family who fought her battles (and lost them) instead of her. I think the fact that I was there for her so often makes it even harder to swallow that she can’t stand the ground I walk on and never could. That too has a “but” because I know my mother made sure we didn’t become friends. The other “but” is….it still hurts.
In the dream the rapper girl and I were encouraged to fight. People wanted to see us go at one another for their own pleasure. They didn’t care who won they just wanted to see a fight. It was about the show not the issue of feeling like I’d ignored her. Once she and I decided we didn’t care what the others wanted us to do we tried to come to some sort of agreement. That’s when a character popped in and promised things he couldn’t deliver. I was only slightly hopeful but still hopeful that I’d get this paradise I wished for. When I asked for peace of mind too and didn’t get it I knew the guy was a fake.
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