This is from the dream about my sister and the rapper guy who turned into a girl. I say the dream was about my sister because one of the things that stuck out for me was that I felt she again failed to act to protect herself or me. She wasn’t there for me. I realize how let down and even cheated I feel by not having her even attempt to be the stereotypical big sister. In my heart I know she just didn’t have it in her but there’s another part of me that is angry and resentful of the fact that it was the youngest in the family who fought her battles (and lost them) instead of her. I think the fact that I was there for her so often makes it even harder to swallow that she can’t stand the ground I walk on and never could. That too has a “but” because I know my mother made sure we didn’t become friends. The other “but” is….it still hurts.
In the dream the rapper girl and I were encouraged to fight. People wanted to see us go at one another for their own pleasure. They didn’t care who won they just wanted to see a fight. It was about the show not the issue of feeling like I’d ignored her. Once she and I decided we didn’t care what the others wanted us to do we tried to come to some sort of agreement. That’s when a character popped in and promised things he couldn’t deliver. I was only slightly hopeful but still hopeful that I’d get this paradise I wished for. When I asked for peace of mind too and didn’t get it I knew the guy was a fake.
The other aspect of the dream was forgiveness. I made a comparison between an oil paint stain and a watercolor stain on white cloth. Watercolor would be easier to wash out, oil would take more time with the cloth being less forgiving. I think some hurts take longer and some leave a stain with a bad mark that says, “I’m never going to get anything I need.”
As a little bit of dream therapy I decided to paint using a white cloth with a watercolor background and oil paint main subject. I did a small flower with a blue background and red hues here and there. I think I like how it turned out.
Something significant about a watercolor background with oil subject is that at any time I can take soap and wash away the watercolor as much as possible and re-paint it with oil or acrylics. I can add to the main subject and change the background. In the same tone I can’t change my past but I can clean up as much as possible and work with the fixed parts of me. I can add to and build upon the canvas that is me.
Amazing how you can take that rather concrete dream and paint it like you did.
A long time ago a doctor told me that I can begin to change my dreams by re-writing them. Sometimes when I can’t think of a way to re-write them I find a way to paint them. I think I like painting them better with as much detail as possible. I think its helpful because it feels as if I’m not totally a slave to my dreams.
Tx for your comments today, here and on your blog.
Austin