Sundrip Journals
I said it once and out of the blue there he was. My friend and I laughed, how strange. A few days later nothing. I dropped a few tears, panicked, cried a little more and said it again. I really want this. Out of the blue there he was again, my gift.
Zollie, Hebrew for gift and a form of the name Saul.
You didn’t hurt “something” that belonged to you. You hurt someone else’s child. I never belonged to you in the first place.
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Trampled and On Liking Cats
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It doesn’t matter how I feel. Violence is okay.
fma
Negative self talk is loud right now.
I see signs of depression in me.
I think too much. I worry about what people think of me. I worry about: being in the way, talking too much, not talking enough, walking properly, dressing properly, looking just right, speaking just right, breathing too loudly, laughing too much, not smiling enough.
My therapist says my sister seems to have more of identification with her aggressor because she’s still there at home. Any division between me and the mother is pretty good for me. If I’m less attached then that’s a good thing. He said there may have always been some part of me that knew she was wrong but that part didn’t get a lot of attention because I was too busy playing psychologist with her. I was too busy being her shoulder to cry on, her clown, her whipping boy and dress up doll.
My therapist wanted to know if I wished to be with a family during the holidays. He’s aware that mine is not an option but what if there was a different family with a manageable level of dysfunction that I could be with on the holidays? Would I want to be there? First off, I don’t celebrate the holidays so the answer is no. My distaste for the holidays has nothing at all to do with not having family to share it with, second of all families in general bring up fear, distrust and shame. I’m truly afraid of family settings. Even if I know in my heart no one is going to be hurt I’m still on guard. I’m still watching each and every person around me. I even hang with the kids not because it’ll be more fun but sort of as their protector.
The better time I have at the family gathering the more I’ll crumble later.
I’m avoiding people for the most part. I seem very detached from most things and most people.
A cat showed up a few days ago. I brought him in yesterday I think it was. I’ve been looking on Craigslist to see if anyone lost him. I’ll be housing his little self for a bit. until I can find his owners or find him a new home. I think this is cat #3 in the last year or so that’s come in my yard and stayed. He sleeps in the baby carriage which is too sweet for words.
I’m fatigued, spacey and concerned about it. What have I forgotten? Who was I supposed to call? Where was I supposed to be today? My head is blank and I just want to go to sleep.
Fife’s daughter called on the 21st and said she was canceling Christmas. She said no one should come over because she wasn’t going to do a tree, make dinner or give out presents. She said the only present she’s giving this year are stocks to her 10 year old son. The boy is getting stocks for Christmas. He’ll be in therapy by the time he’s thirty. I didn’t realize she has the power to cancel someone’s holiday but evidently that power has been given to her.
I saw my sister’s behavior as emotional weakness and I feel because of that “weakness” I was focused on for abuse more than she was. The mother said I was her favorite because I was a challenge.
It occurred to me today that I blame my sister for some of the abuse because she was “weak” and thus not as fun to abuse as I was. The mother abused her, don’t get me wrong, but she tore into me with all she had because I was harder to break. Why keep trying to break a horse that’s already broken? My sister was broken, but all the mother had to do was make sure she stayed that way. Since she didn’t take as much work then she didn’t get the amount of time and energy given to break me.
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