I’m a people watcher and I’m rather observant, maybe even insightful but when it comes to interpersonal relationships I’m at a total loss. I knew awhile ago that basic human behaviors confuse me when they apply to me but I recognize them for what they are when I see them applied to others. For a long time it annoyed the heck out of me that Blossom use to fix my buttons and straighten my collar. A therapist once told me that women tend to do that, they tend to fuss over their mate that way. I always thought it was because she thought I wasn’t perfect and needed to be fixed. When I saw women in public do that I immediately recognized it as mating behavior, if you will. But when applied to me I saw it differently. It took someone telling me that Blossom was simply doting over me not implying that I’m imperfect. How did I get that message so screwed up? Because I was in the equation and I see myself in a different light and figure others see me in the same filthy light.
In a conversation with MeMe I had my first hint that giving Junior back rubs isn’t normal platonic behavior. Then I was kind of curious so I brought it up with Birdie who had a “okay then” type response. So today in therapy I mentioned it to Dr. D who responded with raised eyebrows. Normal people may say, Okay Faith that’s obviously NOT typical platonic behavior of two people that live together. Please remember I’m not normal when it comes to boundaries. After talking to these three individuals it occurred to me that I’m giving a message I don’t intend to give. He asks and I do it, period. It took me looking in from the outside to see it clearly. I even had to think of two different people because once you toss me in the equation everything gets fuzzy.
In addition to back rubs there’s me sewing buttons and rips in his clothing. At first I saw it as, Oh look I’m worth something. I can be of help. Others say that dinners out, long hours hanging out, sewing and back rubs equals a little more than I might think. I wonder if he were a girl if I’d have seen it right away?
I told Dr. D that when it comes to men I lose myself, especially when they’re around my age. I turn into little Miss Servant. I should point out that in the last month I haven’t felt used or anything. I saw it as friendship with my old issues with automatically falling into servant mode. Anyway, when I lived with my uncle he’d come home and my cousin would immediately remove his boots and rub his feet. His slippers were brought to him while his feet were being rubbed. I had already started dinner. His highball had been made and we were there for anything he needed or wanted. We responded without hesitation, without emotion. It was almost second nature to wait on him hand and foot. Everything centered around him and his needs, that’s just how it was. I was also servant to my cousin. In those two cases abuse was involved but there’s not even sex involved with my roommate Junior. The two things I think are common is I’m dealing with a male and I’ve fallen back on old habits.
I think I’m a bit confused by Junior too because he often is in the “Your wish is my command” mood. This is very different for me because I’m use to the one giving and giving and giving. He has domestic requests but he is helpful when it comes to my car as well as building stuff for me with seriously detailed instructions. If I were to look at this situation from the outside perhaps I’d see more and make more connections, have more insight into what’s going on.
He already knows there’s not a chance in hell I’m going to sleep with him. I was rather blunt about that because the subject has come up. I told him, “Heterosexuality grosses me the fuck out!” His reply was, “10-4” I said, “Roger that!”
For my part I see myself in servant mode without considering that I may be sending the wrong messages. My history says I’m here to serve and I kick into that mode like second nature. It’s been interesting though that I can make requests and not pay for it with my body. That part is new for me but me in servant mode is as old as I am.
It’s a lot to digest but at this point I do know I should cease the back rubs. I don’t do feet. If asked I would answer starting with “You stupid..” then I’d go into a barrage of curse words while rolling my neck and eyes. He could then kiss my backside as it leaves the scene of his verbal crime. Any request for a foot rub would throw me back to my abuse years then lunge me forward to 2009 with spit fire anger leaving him standing there wondering what the hell just happened.
People Watching – Monday, December 07, 2009 – 11:29PM EST
I had similar issues with boundaries back before I was married. It took some kind words of some kind friends to show me and tell me where the signals I was giving off could be interpreted wrong. I think because boundaries are so skewed with survivors growing up, we don’t learn then as children. Learning them as adults is tough.
@ E,
Yeah, they are screwed up. Knowing what’s proper behavior, politically correct, private and “normal” go to the dogs when a person has been abused and grows up that way. It’s hard and it’s confusing.
@ Beauty,
So it doesn’t have to be one or the other? 1) I could be giving off a different signal with the back rubs 2) We do stuff for each other out of friendship. 3) Despite falling into servant mode I am an adult who has set boundaries with him and enforced them.
I don’t think in terms of heterosexuality much at all. I say stuff like he’s adorable and good looking but there’s no sexual attraction attached to that. I can appreciate a man’s beauty without attaching sexuality to it. If it were a girl, straight or Lesbian the whole situation may have still gone over my head simply because I’m in the equation.
Your comment was quite helpful.
fma
You know – I wouldn’t think twice about giving a female friend a backrub. My sister and I give each other back rubs. And another friend’s daughter gives us all back rubs. A male co-worker who is a homesexual gives some of us ladies backrubs. I never thought, until just now, that it could be misconstrued – I guess because every participant involved knows there is no sexuality attached. If Jr. didn’t know that you preferred women, then maybe it would be different. But if he’s secure with that fact (and not one of those men that think their sexuality is going to make a homosexual woman “turn straight”) then I don’t see a big deal with it.
Now take all this with a grain of salt, because as I said before, my boundaries and signal-reading ability isn’t up to standard either.
Hi,
I have problems with backrubs as well. I love to do them and find few people who are comfortable with having them done on them. It is good for me, healthwise, to have someone to do them for. I do realize that in the past guys have gotten the wrong idea and luckily did not take me up on my offers, cause they would have been expecting something else entirely. It doesn’t help that I have many Reiki friends who are massage therapists and they do that for one another, in exchanges. I think they have good boundaries with it, but that others probably don’t, as they only work on one another. I also have problems in wanting to do Reiki on friends, etc, and often can’t find anyone who would like a free session, which is totally weird to me, I would so love that to be done by someone else who was safe and had good boundaries.
It sure takes time to understand this stuff. I think you are doing a great job of doing so. And asking others their thoughts on a subject like this is important, as you are seeing, they really see much more than you can from your own perspective. Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate