For some reason I’ve spent the vast majority of the day on the verge of tears. I have no idea why but they’re just behind my eyes. I can feel them waiting to spill but they don’t. I thought about how hard it was to keep my dinner down tonight and was a bit peeved that a nice dinner ended up in the dog’s bowl. I thought about all of this as I walked into the kitchen to fill my one gallon water jug which I keep back here. When I got in there I saw Senior left his plate in the sink floating in water with food all around it. I asked Senior to move his plate but he only giggled and told me to move it myself.
Austin: No, I don’t think so. It’s dirty and wet. It’s got food floating in the water. I don’t want to touch that.
Senior: Well then move the strainer from the other side and use that side.
Austin: No, that’s filthy too. I don’t want my jug to even touch the sink.
Senior: Laughed.
Austin: I’ve already fucking abandoned the kitchen because you’re so fucking filthy.
(At this point I was watching myself curse him out which has only happened two other times since I’ve been here. I could see myself but there was no effort to stop.)
Austin: It’s bullshit that you can’t even clean up after your damn self. It doesn’t make any fucking sense what so ever.
I stormed off back into my area.
Two days ago I wrote an entry about how nice Junior has been and that I’ve enjoyed some of the time we’ve spent together. I also mentioned that I knew the other shoe would fall, and it did. We went to the store together where he ended up buying more than he planned to buy. This irritated him but what caused him to throw cans of soup in the back of his truck was that one of his plastic bags broke. He just lost it. He started throwing soup cans, TV dinners and everything in the back of his truck which was wet due to several hours of rain. He made a total ass of himself as he tossed groceries around, kicked his truck then slammed himself into it. He looked dead at me and said, “I have very little patients for stuff like that.” I said nothing. The car beside him took too long to pull out which brought several curse words forward. He pulled the truck out like a bat out of hell and drove us home. When we got here he started again. I offered him some of my reusable grocery bags but he said he didn’t want them but that he was ready to throw the “fucking things through the window.” I put my earth friendly bags back in my trunk, got my few little things and came inside.
The next morning Junior knocked on my door and told me he’s sorry for acting the way he did. I didn’t accept his apology. I wonder why it’s okay to behave in that manner and let others be part of your tantrum? Now I think about what happened 20 min ago. For some who know what this house looks like my reaction might be understandable (not justified but understandable), still feel I should apologize to Senior for my language….only I won’t.
As I stated in the comment section of that entry about good times with Junior, the plan is still to move come spring.
fma
UPDATE: He cleaned the kitchen sink as well as took his plate out. I do not want to yell and scream in order to get him to do basic things.
I called a friend because I couldn’t believe how upset I was over this and how easy it is for me to either fall apart in tears or flip out in anger. I’ve mostly been tearful and so depressed that I asked myself, “What is wrong with me? Why am I so sad?” Sometimes I’d say to myself, “I’m just so sad.” MeMe asked if I was having Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms. I’d forgotten about those. Full spectrum lights are absolutely on my shopping list. I will be getting some. They worked for me very well the first time I had them so why not do it again. Here is a link to explain symptoms of SAD as well as Summer Depression and Reverse Seasonal Depression. Here is an article on what SAD is and why it changes our moods. I hope the lights help and that’s the reason for my deep, deep sadness with nothing I can really point to and say, “This is why I hurt.” The lights are worth a try. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go fill my jug.
Junior definitely has anger issues. Though he shouldn’t have acted in the manner he did in the first place, I think it’s a good sign that he did apologize for his behavior.
I couldn’t helping thinking while reading this post that your cursing Fife Sr. and storming off isn’t much different from Jr.’s tantrum. You weren’t throwing things around, but the spirit is much the same.
Yes, the anger outburst surely caught Senior off guard and may have seemed over the top over a “silly” plate but I think that’s where some of my anger came from. He laughed at me twice and acted like his nastiness wasn’t any big deal and that I should be willing to put my hand in the sink and remove a plate swimming in nasty water. He laughed at me, actually laughed and had that stupid smile on his face and I just lost it. While doing so I myself was stunned but made no attempt to stop. At that point I realized my response was like that of Junior.
I went off but not over a split plastic bag. As much cursing as I do on this blog one might think I often go off in my real life but I don’t. Senior and I don’t have a lot of screaming matches. This was very much out of the ordinary. What Junior does is common. He throws stuff, hits the walls and curses and screams like a child over the smallest things.
I guess I’m saying that we both went off, perhaps we both threw a fit but for entirely different reasons and in no way with the same frequency. However, after I was done screaming at Senior I felt really bad because I’d acted like Junior did only for totally different reasons. So yes and no, Junior and I acted much in the same spirit. A bag tore – he went off. I got laughed at twice – I went off. He gave an empty apology and will act out again. I hope beyond hope I don’t treat another person like that any time soon, still Senior isn’t getting an apology. Unfortunately when he’s treated this way he responds to it. He cleaned the kitchen. Why do I need to scream to make him live like a half way normal person? Frustrating.
If someone laughs at me when I’m angry, they are darn lucky if I don’t kill them. I can’t stand that.
Where do you find such light bulbs? I need some.