DREAM: Tear Down This Emotional Wall

*sexual content*
Dream from Thursday morning 12-10-09

The dream started out with me sitting in the living room of the last house I lived in with my mother. There were 8 people there, 4 on each sofa which faced one another. We were discussing what to do while the mother was out of town on a two week Christmas vacation. I’d set up a rotation of friends to spend the night while she was gone and she wanted to know who it was. I began explaining it to her when she interrupted me and told me I didn’t clean underneath the sofa. I was rather irritated and told her, “You mean to tell me you’re going to respond to my house cleaning by pointing out what I didn’t do? That’s what you’re going to focus on, the one thing I didn’t do?” In the dream I’d cleaned the entire house, washed the windows, cleaned the oven and refrigerator. Her only comment about the house was that I didn’t clean under one sofa. I was seriously irritated.

The dream next turned to me in bed with a 15 foot black man who asked me to help him “get off.” The man was a giant which meant my hand job wasn’t helping much. My sister stepped in to help for a few minutes but suddenly disappeared leaving me to try to serve this giant. It took absolutely forever but it finally worked. As he finished I said in shock, “Oh my God is that what it looks like?” He moaned. “You’re bleeding.” I said. Still moaning he gave me a few more instructions then it was over. The entire time I served the giant my mother was in the corner watching. After I realized she was watching I turned my head towards the window where I saw that my privacy wall was falling over. I got up to go outside and fix it.

When I got outside it was dark and muddy, nasty out there. My wall was slipping because it’s foundation had been compromised by the mud. I began looking for different things to keep it standing but to my surprise the only things within arms reach were things I prize and appreciate. I found nothing I was willing to pile together out in the elements as a support for the failing wall. Being as such I left it wobbly and unstable.

COMMENTARY:
There are three major points I saw in this dream plus one thing I feel is noteworthy. The first thing that strikes me about this dream is the size of the task (the giant man) and my inability to serve (get him off). Because of my normal human size I shouldn’t have been expected to fill the shoes a giant woman might fill. This may correspond with my mother (the giant) who appeared larger than life and me,  a child too small and ill equipped for the adult size burden of life in servitude.

It’s also of interest to me that I only gave the giant a hand job. In my dreams where I give a guy a blow job it’s usually because in real life I’m feeling screwed over or humiliated by something. Because it was a hand job given I don’t think in my waking hours that I feel screwed over by anyone.

The third and perhaps the most important part of the dream is the wall. It wasn’t breaking down from the top, brick by brick but rotting and giving way from the foundation. For me the foundation is key because any structure, beautiful or decayed is only as good as it’s foundation. If the foundation gives it affects every other fixture in the building. I also find it quite interesting and rather inspiring that I wasn’t willing to give everything and pay any price to keep my wall standing.

I think it’s also noteworthy that my immediate response to my mother’s negative comments was to call her on them. She saw only what I did wrong not what I did right. I refused to buckle under it so I asked her if she really could only see my faults and nothing else. Really, is that all you can see?

RECURRENT DREAM THEME:
Significant difference in size and power, abandoned by sister to deal with things on my own.

FEELINGS UPON WAKING:
Sad, anguished, twinge of anger concerning my sister.

FEELINGS AFTER WRITING:
Intrigued. I see several areas that show progress. I questioned my mother’s authority and has insight into her real view of me. I didn’t play along prim and proper. I actually spoke up right then and there and without hesitation. I appreciate too that I’m not willing to trade everything or pay any price to keep up emotional walls. I was willing to let that wall fall instead of piling things I prized around its unsteady base. This is a good thing.

DREAM: Tear Down This Emotional Wall – written Friday, December 11, 2009 – 1:54AM EST

Update: Dr. D said some people, including some psychologists, don’t believe that dreams reveal anything of importance. He looked at my dream here and said they are very much mistaken. This dream symbolizes so much in my past life that it’s hard to argue that it’s a jumble of nothingness.