I saw my sister’s behavior as emotional weakness and I feel because of that “weakness” I was focused on for abuse more than she was. The mother said I was her favorite because I was a challenge.
It occurred to me today that I blame my sister for some of the abuse because she was “weak” and thus not as fun to abuse as I was. The mother abused her, don’t get me wrong, but she tore into me with all she had because I was harder to break. Why keep trying to break a horse that’s already broken? My sister was broken, but all the mother had to do was make sure she stayed that way. Since she didn’t take as much work then she didn’t get the amount of time and energy given to break me.
While saying this I do realize it’s not true, my sister didn’t cause me to be abused. more She had no control over my mother’s appetite for perversion and depravity. My sister was a victim as well. Even so, there’s a part of me that says she was weak and therefor left me no choice but to be the stronger one.
There’s a natural human response to assist those who are hurt and vulnerable. It’s one of the better human traits. So yeah, when I saw her hurting I tried my best to help her deal with it. However, because I was a victim in it too my ability to reason was off and I sided with the abuser. It’s my sister’s fault I’m being hurt because if she were only stronger like I showed her this wouldn’t be happening to me right now. It’s another example of identifying with the aggressor. This is her fault because she’s weak. She’s not giving the mother what she needs, a challenge. She’s not doing this right which is why the mother keeps coming to me. The truth is the mother needed something she should have never asked us for, period.
My sister and I took two different approaches down the same horrible road. Both of us pointed at each other as the problem because it was safer than pointing at the monster who was hell bent on breaking us.
Faith
I wonder how common that dichotomy is in cases of siblings being abused by a parent or parent figure. I see a lot of similarities in my sister and I’s reactions to the abuse. We’re repaired our relationship but it took some tough years.
The whole identifying with the aggressor thing was focused on during the Holocaust era and has gotten better understanding as time moved on. It is better understood but not better tolerated by those who out of fear could not place the blame where it belonged. Fear of the aggressor is what divides siblings and fellow captives. It’s just not safe enough to put blame where it belongs. While it’s a very human response it’s still not comfortable. It blindsides me when I see how deeply ingrained those ideas are.
Thanks for your comment
Faith
I’m waiting for a new research study of sorts to come out with these latest news stories like Elizabeth (last name escapes me) and the other woman who was found after years of captivity. The Stockholm syndrome idea. I think these new media cases will cause some renewed interest in this area. I hear the “stockholm syndrome” label and while I can understand it intellectually and certainly when it relates to other people, it’s hard to relate it to myself.
There have been a bunch of different cases that happened outside the US which have kept focus on the subject and allowed for further study, but in general psychology lags behind the advancement of human cruelty.
There has continued to be interest, study and training in the syndrome but it may not be publicized or readily available in book form for laymen as is PTSD and other disorders related to trauma.
Not all survivors experience symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome because what they experienced doesn’t have all the major points to classify it as such. For those of us that are we find it difficult to have our behaviors publicly scrutinized. Why didn’t she escape when she had the chance? Why didn’t she tell? I would have run. I would have this, that and the other. I lived next door for years why didn’t she tell me, etc, etc, etc.
Blame is put on the survivor with questions such as this from those who ask not searching for answers but in a condemning sort of way.
I would have left.
I would have found a way to leave.
I would have, etc, etc, gag, gag, shut the fuck up! (That’s not directed at you Enola. I’m just ranting right now.)
Anyway, for those of us who feel crazy and like something is wrong with us for staying so long and living that way we may find the label comforting. It means we aren’t crazy, we responded like others in our situation. Sometimes a label is validation not a division from the rest of society.
Austin